My big fat ghetto divorce open mic night

I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy here in NYC. Got my move done, Three nincompoops with 5 eyes between them came, saw and caused $1500 worth of damage to a car on my block. This did not inspire a whole lot of faith in their abilities to move my entire life down to Raleigh N.C.

I also saw Jesus this week. That was on Friday. Just in case anyone out there wanted to know, J.C. hangs out on the corner of 68th St. and catalpa Avenue in Queens these days. I saw him walking along with a drum corp,a few Romans, a police escort and a few hundred folks with candles and glow sticks. I figured they might be going to a rave. For some reason J.C. wasn't looking to jazzed. He actually looked kind of down. It might have been the crown of thorns or the bad wig that he must have just purchased. I give him points for trying, no one can have faith in a bald savior, or one with a comb over. I won't hold the wig against him though, I hope I look that good when I am pushing 2006 years old.

I was with Lisa when we saw J.C. She and I went out to the Cozy Corner. Which I was informed by my Dad was the bar that my great-grandfather used to favor. Good taste runs in the family. Lisa and I had a few drinks, talked about life and played some pool. I may have selective memory, but for the sake of me looking like a real shark, let's say that I kicked her ass each and every time. haha.John O'niell came and joined us a bit later. I will post the pics of all of this when I figure out how to size them properly.

I got together with Heather this week. I was not anticipating on seeing her. Felt good to do so. Funny how that all works out. I decided to link her back into the blog after talking to Nicole about her yesterday. Check out her blog here. What the hell is a Balieyjuice?

So Nic and I got together yesterday to get separated legally. As Steve put it "You mean you're living in sin?!?" Yes Steve, we were. We did it before our marriage also. Actually, I think, when I really look at my life, I have been living in sin, one way or another, for a long friggin time. No wonder Jesus wouldn't look at me the other day!

We went to a "We The People", which for those of you who don't know, are to divorce what McDonalds is to Hamburgers. A real top flight joint. We walked in and the lobby/waiting area, I noted, had two seats for customers, both with an Ottoman, but on exact opposite sides of the room. I figured this was so the people getting their divorces could sit down and stare at each other, sort of like Clint Eastwood and Lee Van Cleef in The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. (oowee-oowee oooooo, wah-wah-wah). I took the ottoman and we sat together. After a while, Rodney, our ghetto divorce guru, came over and escorted us from the waiting area to one of the three, preassigned, divorce Ikea tables with matching chairs. What better way to go out than at one of those Scandinavian pieces of crap?!? We asked about the separation agreement and were told how we could go about getting one. He actually informed us that we could get that or a divorce. We opted for the latter. It was kind of like finding out that Bruce Willis was dead too in that friggin movie, by that Shama-lama-ding-dong guy, which I can't remember the title of right now. You know, the one with that creepy little kid saying "I see White people". Hmmm, why do I feel like I am getting my movie's mixed up?Point is I walked in there expecting one thing and after talking we ended up with a completely different ending.

So after talking about it we got the divorce forms from Rodney. The first pages was asking for names and info. Sort of like a weird job application. "Hi, I'd like to apply for the job of divorcee."

We were sitting there being pretty quiet and serious. Name, S.S. #, addresses, when were you married (Nic couldn't remember the date! I was always the one the screwed up the dates in the past.), where did you get married, what county (I was proud that I spelled Allegheny correctly. Those of you that read this blog enough know that spelling can be a real prbblam fo me). We were both being very serious. Then we got to the second page of the forms.

Reason for divorce. 1)abandonment 2)Cruel and inhuman treatment or 3)Living separate and apart pursuant to a separation agreement

I lobbied for #2. We both laughed. "Oooooh, can I have treated you cruelly and inhumanly?" hahaha. We opted for #1. Which was funny. There were three sub-options for #1, we fit all three and filled them al out. Rodney came over and told us we had to pick one. We were cracking up at this point. Laughing that we fit all three. Then we saw the next section...........entitled "Stuff"

WTF?!? Stuff? I could understand "Marital Assets", "Property" or some other legal mumbo-jumbo, but "stuff"?!? It was so ghetto that I wanted to bust out a 40 of the Old E and pour some out for my homies. Too much.

We also listed the Poop and the Bean (our cats) as assets which Nicole will be retaining. I like to think that this will be the first time in New York state history that a divorcing couple has listed poop as an item to split up.

After settling up with Rodney, we went to the bar for a few drinks. Talked about us, our lives, dating other people, etc. Nic had said that she had been reading Heather's blog and that she seemed like a smart girl. I had forgotten to share with her that Heather, had said that Nic seemed very witty after reading her blog. Weird to talk to your soon to be ex wife about the woman you dated for the better part of a year. Weirder yet to hear about her forays into the dating world.

Most of the day was really nice and suprisingly upbeat. No sadness. Two friends, who will remain friends, I think, making choices together and moving on. In just about 90 days, Nicole will no longer be my wife, I know that she will be my lifelong friend.

I dropped Nic off at about 7:30 and went into the city. John O'neill met up with me at about 9:30. I waited for him at a little bar that was holding an Open Mic Night. They asked me if I was going to play. I told them I would if I had a guitar. They lent me one. John got there. We talked about my day. They called my name to play. I was nervous as shit. I walked up, took the guitar and was actually shaking. It has been years since I have played in front of an audience. I was drunk as a skunk, which helped, because I may have lost bowel control had I not been. I have played on stage so many times I can't count them, this was the first time that I did it solo. It was also in NYC! It wasn't great, but it felt good. I found my voice after a few seconds. I am now more determined than ever to make playing my songs, out among people, a real key in my life when I get back to Raleigh. If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

We got back home and I crashed on Johnny's couch watching one of my all time favorite movies. Casablanca. That one gets to me every time. Great movie, great lines. The following are some of my favorite moments.

Ilsa: Sing it, Sam.
Sam: [singing] You must remember this / A kiss is still a kiss / A sigh is just a sigh / The fundamental things apply / As time goes by. / And when two lovers woo, / They still say, "I love you" / On that you can rely / No matter what the future brings-...
Rick: [rushing up] Sam, I thought I told you never to play-...
[Sees Ilsa. Sam closes the piano and rolls it away]

(Don't we all have songs connected to that one person? Whoever it is?)

Captain Renault: How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Some day they may be scarce

Rick: Here's looking at you, kid.
(all time great line)

Rick: Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
(OMG another one)

Ilsa: Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time
(Ingrid Bergman is so brilliant as Ilsa)

Rick: We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.
Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.
Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.

Bogart's Rick, talking to Ilsa as they are at the airport. He is demanding that she go with Lazlo on the plane. You've all seen this flick, so you know the moment. God, it rips my heart out everytime. I am a sentimental fool. hahaha.

Well, I have blogged long enough. I need to go do something manly after writing that. I think I am going to go watch some sports, fart and look at pictures of naked ladies.

Bye Y'all

Songs of the day
Ticket to ride-The Beatles (I heard this one last night. Great song, timely topic)
Pictures of you-The Cure (Wow. What an amazing song. Good for the broken hearted)
Blackbird-The Beatles (Two girls did an acapella duet on this one last night. Nic and I listened to this many times. I used to play it on the guitar late in the parties)
Carolina-TSDowd (I get a really good reaction from this song. I'm happy that I got to record it and that I can share it with people now.)
That's life-Frank Sinatra (one of my all time get up and fight songs. Don't give up, don't give in. Shit happens and you keep going on. Life is yours to control.)
As Time Goes By-Sam (haha. Play it again. Sigh...what a song)

Word of the day-Stuff