Square pegs, round holes,and the lens filter of life.
So I figured that I should temper my fun post from yesterday with another heartfelt post about love and relationships. Love, and the relationships in my life have been the most pressing issue on my mind many days over this past year plus. I can't help it. I dwell, examine, think about this most of the time.
I met Nicole when I was 22, about to turn 23. 10 years ago this coming July 8th. We met under the most unlikely of circumstances and I fell in love at first sight. It had been a few years since I had been in a relationship. Jenn had broken my heart in 91'. I partied and went crazy for a few years. Women and wine, as the song goes. I don't know which song, but it sounded like it would fit. I really left myself out there. I was TOMMY, hear me roar. I was on the eternal hunt for [insert here crude word that rhymes with hunt that early twenties males would use to refer to a woman's sexual apparatus] and completely out of control. Drinking, drugging, gathering as many women as I possibly could and breaking their hearts whenever possible. I was a rude, egomaniacal young man. I was good looking, hot even, and I knew it (some nights, actually my self esteem has never been that high). Not a good combo. Tommy went away for quite a few years. Lately he has come roaring back. Out of control.Not a good thing. That is not the point of this post however.
Back to Nic and I. I have written a few times on this blog, that I am the luckiest guy on earth to have such a cool, down to earth, wonderful soon to be ex-wife. She is one of my best friends. She knows me better than just about anyone on this planet. Dave got 100% on my quiz. Street football and Ringaleevio were my favorite games growing up. Nic got a 90%. In so many ways though, she knows me best. I love her to death and am so very glad she is my friend. Sometimes I think it was my inability to accept happiness which drove a spike between us.I hurt her more than she ever deserved. I did what I needed to do, for me. I still wish that I had spared her some of the pain though.
We were happy together at times. When it came down to it though, we never quite fit. It wasn't that we disliked each other any more than the average couple who has been together for a while. We all have our days where we are going to hate the person we are with.She likes to tell me that I was in love with the "idea" of her. Not in love "with" her. All the work in the world, in counseling, would have made things just "okay". So maybe we wouldn't have been so down in the dumps, but we would never have been fabulous together. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so. Things get to a point where no amount of struggle can ever lead to a reunion of hearts. The dividing line that once you are past, being in love with someone can never happen again.What we now have is great though. A close friendship.
Square pegs and round holes. They will never quite fit. I am a firm believer in this. You can take your square peg, get counseling and try to earn your "Tote and Chip" card of love while attempting to whittle that other person in to the round peg that you need, but I don't believe that is a recipe for success. There needs to be some very basic things in place for it to work. Maybe it's a case of being married too young. Maybe it's inherent in all of us. There is a chemical combination, that with the right person in your life, makes everything seem okay. The lens filter of life.
I know that I am annoyingly bouncing around from analogy to analogy here, but the filter lens of life is what I am looking for. I think it's what all of the lonely hearts in the world, who haven't settled for something less, are looking for. A filter lens for their camera. The focus you do yourself, the lens is what attaches to the end (hehe, that sounds like a dirty analogy)There are many different kinds. They can all fit on the camera. Get some interesting effects. Some have a blue tint, some red. Some give everything the soft glow that surrounding the next "space chick" that Captain Kirk was going to fall for in the original Star Trek series. Then there is that one lens though, that makes everything crisp. The colors seem bolder, the sunsets more vivid. The air smells fresher, the food tastes better and all of the joy in your heart comes spilling over your body, rushing out of every pore to greet the world. The lens is that one person that helps make sense of everything. In the middle of the greatest craziness in the world, there is calm in your heart and a smile on your face.The vividness is greater than everything that you knew before. All of the impossibilities, the improbabilities, the things that you never thought you could accomplish in life suddenly become feasible, attainable.
With all of that said I believe that you also need to be ready for that. It can be a very scary thing. The terror of being naked before someone else. Not physically, but the fear of having someone know all of you. I was there once. Terrified to let the other person in. Truly in.
So what do we do? We all search in vain for that one thing. That lens. That person.Where do we find them? Have we already found them? Did we let them walk away? Force them away out of fear? Did we give up on our one true chance at happiness because we were safer inside our box? Our boxey little life that didn't fufill us in so many ways? Is that the answer?
Maybe that's what the future is. Bland existence with someone you get along with.Not some chick flick, romantic comedy, date movie stuff that I seem to think is actually a possibility.
Have you ever seen one of those old couples? You know the ones I mean? They are the ones who make everyone else envious. Who after umpteen years of marriage still look at each other like a couple of teenagers who have just discovered that they were capable of puppy love. Who glow when they are around each other. You know they have had problems that they have worked through. They are magical and truly blessed. I'm sure that they haven't had the easiest road. There were no doubt struggles, and lots of them, along the way. My Grandmother, for instance, had some really rough times with my Grandad. They raised 10 kids together (Ca-Tho-Lic), had met in High School. Last week on my drive to VA I called her. She told me that she was married 50 years this year. My Grandad passed away in 1977 when I was five. I thought it was cool that she still thought of herself as married. present tense.
Maybe I am thinking in vain that this is all a possibility for me. I know what I want. I think I need to get into a knockdown brawl with Tommy and finally kick his ass. He doesn't love me, just like so many of the women I have met throughout the years. I look for the black hole of dispair. Not the Lens Filter. I learned to do that many, many years ago.
I want the lens filter for my life. I am working on my focus right now. My own personal focus, but I will be damned if I don't want that one filter that makes everything that much crisper.
God am I a big romantic pussy. I need to focus more on beer, chicks, sports, science fiction, blow jobs and fast cars.
Next entry..........more fun.........the scuzzy-nization of Tom
I met Nicole when I was 22, about to turn 23. 10 years ago this coming July 8th. We met under the most unlikely of circumstances and I fell in love at first sight. It had been a few years since I had been in a relationship. Jenn had broken my heart in 91'. I partied and went crazy for a few years. Women and wine, as the song goes. I don't know which song, but it sounded like it would fit. I really left myself out there. I was TOMMY, hear me roar. I was on the eternal hunt for [insert here crude word that rhymes with hunt that early twenties males would use to refer to a woman's sexual apparatus] and completely out of control. Drinking, drugging, gathering as many women as I possibly could and breaking their hearts whenever possible. I was a rude, egomaniacal young man. I was good looking, hot even, and I knew it (some nights, actually my self esteem has never been that high). Not a good combo. Tommy went away for quite a few years. Lately he has come roaring back. Out of control.Not a good thing. That is not the point of this post however.
Back to Nic and I. I have written a few times on this blog, that I am the luckiest guy on earth to have such a cool, down to earth, wonderful soon to be ex-wife. She is one of my best friends. She knows me better than just about anyone on this planet. Dave got 100% on my quiz. Street football and Ringaleevio were my favorite games growing up. Nic got a 90%. In so many ways though, she knows me best. I love her to death and am so very glad she is my friend. Sometimes I think it was my inability to accept happiness which drove a spike between us.I hurt her more than she ever deserved. I did what I needed to do, for me. I still wish that I had spared her some of the pain though.
We were happy together at times. When it came down to it though, we never quite fit. It wasn't that we disliked each other any more than the average couple who has been together for a while. We all have our days where we are going to hate the person we are with.She likes to tell me that I was in love with the "idea" of her. Not in love "with" her. All the work in the world, in counseling, would have made things just "okay". So maybe we wouldn't have been so down in the dumps, but we would never have been fabulous together. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so. Things get to a point where no amount of struggle can ever lead to a reunion of hearts. The dividing line that once you are past, being in love with someone can never happen again.What we now have is great though. A close friendship.
Square pegs and round holes. They will never quite fit. I am a firm believer in this. You can take your square peg, get counseling and try to earn your "Tote and Chip" card of love while attempting to whittle that other person in to the round peg that you need, but I don't believe that is a recipe for success. There needs to be some very basic things in place for it to work. Maybe it's a case of being married too young. Maybe it's inherent in all of us. There is a chemical combination, that with the right person in your life, makes everything seem okay. The lens filter of life.
I know that I am annoyingly bouncing around from analogy to analogy here, but the filter lens of life is what I am looking for. I think it's what all of the lonely hearts in the world, who haven't settled for something less, are looking for. A filter lens for their camera. The focus you do yourself, the lens is what attaches to the end (hehe, that sounds like a dirty analogy)There are many different kinds. They can all fit on the camera. Get some interesting effects. Some have a blue tint, some red. Some give everything the soft glow that surrounding the next "space chick" that Captain Kirk was going to fall for in the original Star Trek series. Then there is that one lens though, that makes everything crisp. The colors seem bolder, the sunsets more vivid. The air smells fresher, the food tastes better and all of the joy in your heart comes spilling over your body, rushing out of every pore to greet the world. The lens is that one person that helps make sense of everything. In the middle of the greatest craziness in the world, there is calm in your heart and a smile on your face.The vividness is greater than everything that you knew before. All of the impossibilities, the improbabilities, the things that you never thought you could accomplish in life suddenly become feasible, attainable.
With all of that said I believe that you also need to be ready for that. It can be a very scary thing. The terror of being naked before someone else. Not physically, but the fear of having someone know all of you. I was there once. Terrified to let the other person in. Truly in.
So what do we do? We all search in vain for that one thing. That lens. That person.Where do we find them? Have we already found them? Did we let them walk away? Force them away out of fear? Did we give up on our one true chance at happiness because we were safer inside our box? Our boxey little life that didn't fufill us in so many ways? Is that the answer?
Maybe that's what the future is. Bland existence with someone you get along with.Not some chick flick, romantic comedy, date movie stuff that I seem to think is actually a possibility.
Have you ever seen one of those old couples? You know the ones I mean? They are the ones who make everyone else envious. Who after umpteen years of marriage still look at each other like a couple of teenagers who have just discovered that they were capable of puppy love. Who glow when they are around each other. You know they have had problems that they have worked through. They are magical and truly blessed. I'm sure that they haven't had the easiest road. There were no doubt struggles, and lots of them, along the way. My Grandmother, for instance, had some really rough times with my Grandad. They raised 10 kids together (Ca-Tho-Lic), had met in High School. Last week on my drive to VA I called her. She told me that she was married 50 years this year. My Grandad passed away in 1977 when I was five. I thought it was cool that she still thought of herself as married. present tense.
Maybe I am thinking in vain that this is all a possibility for me. I know what I want. I think I need to get into a knockdown brawl with Tommy and finally kick his ass. He doesn't love me, just like so many of the women I have met throughout the years. I look for the black hole of dispair. Not the Lens Filter. I learned to do that many, many years ago.
I want the lens filter for my life. I am working on my focus right now. My own personal focus, but I will be damned if I don't want that one filter that makes everything that much crisper.
God am I a big romantic pussy. I need to focus more on beer, chicks, sports, science fiction, blow jobs and fast cars.
Next entry..........more fun.........the scuzzy-nization of Tom
posted by TD at 8:20 AM
6 Comments:
giving blow jobs or getting them?
j/k good post. You bleeding heart you...I feel ya. Believe me.
Getting them. You suck!
So heartfelt and honest and pure...you should write a novel about your trials, tribulations, successes and experiences in love, I know you've got enough stuff to fill a book with!
Ok, this is gonna be a long one. This is your heartfelt response as promised...I do apologize for the immature initial response. I can't resist blow job jokes. It's my calling to recognize them. ;)
So I reread your blog this morning while working at Curves and, jeez Tom...make me emotional in front of 15 old ladies shakin their groove thangs to "Love Machine", why doncha?! ;)
Heartfelt is right. (eww side note, there is an old lady wearing a THONG on the workout pad near my PC right now and I know it, I can see it, omg, eww.) ANYWAY, that entry was a metaphorical masterpiece my dear and I think you know I can relate having been in the same...thing that floats on water that carries people...what do you call that? ;)
A few personal points in response (and I guess its ok if I do that since this is your blog and not mine, so I'm not breaking the 'too personal on your blog' rule I recently made for myself).
For most of my life (at least the years where the opposite sex was an integral part), love and relationships hasn’t been a point of concentration. Or rather, it was, but in a much different way than it is now—I had someone. Now I feel that I and many of my peers are wandering aimlessly in love's wasteland, and for the ladies, maybe the pressure to get their shit together and pop out some kids while they are in their 30's is unbelievably overwhelming. So first I'd like to say that you don't have it as bad as we do. haha jk So for the majority of my 'love life' I was with someone and it was practically the same person the entire time. So yeah, we had our own issues, and they remained the same for years and years, but this new turmoil is...well it’s a wild ride for sure! Now, it's taken the front burner and seems to have f*cked with my proverbial Feng Shui.
I’m gonna take your camera metaphor and roll with it (or rather beat it into the ground until it makes no sense).If you get a glimpse of life with that crisp lens, once the lens is gone (if it does go), everything is just so blah...bland, like you said. And this is a different kind of bland than it can be when you are in a stagnant relationship, but rather, now you've opened Pandora's Box and you KNOW what you're missing. Before you were just kind of generally disenchanted, but now, there is a blank hole. So what do you fill it with? Whores, blow jobs, one-nighters, shots of tequila, Mary Jane, food, gambling, work? Take your pick. Sometimes we just fill it with someone ELSE. Nothing special...just someone. We’re hoping that we can be temporarily appeased by the reflection of ourselves off of that safe, blank slate of a person. I digress...my point is the same as yours though and that is that when you do find that almost chemical combination with someone, it's a little unnerving at the same time. It’s scary!
I recently found something new that was, what I felt, something very special. The connection was there, in fact it was blind sighting in that I'd never felt quite that connected with someone before (at least not in that way). I loved my ex, don’t get me wrong, and we were friends and companions, but he never really knew me (or cared to) and vice versa and I just thought, "that's just the way it is...you're spouse will never really know you and connect with you like your friends and family" and I justified this with a number of BS reasons that seemed to fit at the time. I thought that was just as good as it gets. We didn’t fight really, he didn’t hit me, I didn’t hate him and vice versa, so...I thought I was lucky. But I knew he didn’t love me, or if he did, maybe he forgot how to show me. Maybe I should have tied a string around his finger. ;) It is somewhat naive, but we believe what we have to in order to make those pegs fit. ;)
So finding that deep connection, and very quickly at that with someone new, was a first for me. I didn’t have to fight to get him to like me, or be interested in MY interests (which was not a possibility with my ex...he was content to hate everything I liked and called it 'diversity'). I didn’t have to search to know why he cared for me and why I cared for him, it was seeping from my pores as you put it! Sadly, his 'bare minimum' was more than I'd had before and that makes me feel like SHIT. It makes for lots of concessions that are unacceptable. It makes me question: Will I ALWAYS just have to settle for less? Is there a one and only out there for us all or just a lot of Mr/Ms Rights and its a matter of effort and timing?
Maybe it's just a combination of the two. I agree that its nearly impossible to create an amazing connection with someone you don’t initially have it with and you can push, push push for common ground ...ohh...lets say MANY YEARS, but, hey, it's not a matter of you being a failure, but rather, you're not Harry-flippin-Potter! It's forcing something, and I'm tired of that crap and I'm only 28. I want someone with a similar love language. I don’t feel that I should tear myself a new one everyday for not being able to understand how my mate thinks, feels, loves when he’s made it a mystery to me and I’m the only one trying to solve it.
Anyway, I’ll stop whining and skip ahead to the end result and that’s: I aint got nobody now (I’m just a gigalo!) ;), and that’s probably best for now, but I do agree...when you find your "lens" and you lose it, there’s a blank spot, but not only that, you're left with the fear that it's not in the cards for one person to find that kind of connection more than once...and twice is pushing it! Maybe I'm wrong and I'm letting fear rule me, but let's put it this way...I've had a sampling of two kinds of relationships and, though I will in my future search for something a little more in the middle of the two extremes, I think I'd had a good dose of "not so connected" and "deeply connected" enough to lean me in the direction you're going Tomster...looking for da lens hon!
We don't need it right NOW, but it sure would be nice to get a rain check of certainty that as soon as that lens is in stock, you're guaranteed one. But, I guess there are no entitlements in this life.
ps: I win the longest comment ever prize. :)
Laura, that response got to me...again.
Wow....damn you guys- my head is killing me now.
Seriously-I am lucky. I have my lens.
Brian and I met almost 13 years ago. We were at a church camp. I was still a virgin then. (shut up Tom- I was once a virgin!!) He was my camp counselor. I fell for him immediately. He was so fucking smart and witty-good looking in a nerdy sort of way-which was cool cause I was a nerd for years too. He was chivalrous, charming, and just perfect for me. He was everything I had every dreamt of. We dated for almost 4 years-were engaged-and then he went to the Air Force.
I got into drugs-really heavy and somehow lost my touch with reality. I lost ME. Then, I lost him. I broke up with him.
For eight years-I was in prison. I didn't see anything like I saw it with him. I compared everyone with him-including my two failed marriages. I fell so deep into a depression-I never thought there would be an end to that despair.
Then WHAM! Out of nowhere. I happened to be at my parents house in Michigan one weekend. I was at the beginning of my second divorce. He called out of the blue. He was getting divorced too.
Everything is so much different now. Things just make sense. I understand the "how do you know when you meet Mr. Right?" "you just know"
I could never see things so "crisp, clear" again. He is my everything. He is my lens.
Dont settle. Don't EVER settle. I could never describe our love-there arent' any words in the English language that could come close to translating our love. It is the most amazing feeling anyone could ever had. If anything ever happened to him....well...I believe I would quit breathing all together.
I love you Brian!! Always have, always will!!
Seriously though Laura-that was a long ass comment girlfriend!! LOL
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