Love, life, sex and what I want

So I am in a bit of a reflective mood today. Woke up in a bit of a funk. It pretty much carried through my day. I guess that with all that I have been through over this last little bit I can't help but look at things in a different light. There's been a change in me. I'm trying to embrace the new me, but at times it's difficult. I'm not only talking about moving to North Carolina. Which, by itself should be enough. I'm talking about the changes that have happened on a seemingly cellular level over the last year-plus of my life. Some days I handle it really well and I think what a great gift it has been to have these new experiences and this change. There are sometimes though that I wish the old me was still around. That way I could be angry and resentful. Point my anger towards people and wield my venom like a scythe. Cutting down all of the people I want to hate. I want to be empty and devoid of feelings some days.

Instead of that though, I find that I have become a pretty calm guy. Yes, I have my bad days where I am so down that I can hardly stand it.The bad days have been fewer and fewer recently as I have been concentrating on myself and what makes me happy. Some of the time though, I feel like the Indian in that old public service announcement about polution. Looking around, loving the world and shedding a single tear over what has happened to what he loved so much.

I've gotten into the habit of thinking about the people I love and imagining them smiling. Even when (especially when I should say) I am not. It actually brings a smile to my face. Strange. Venom was a whole lot easier. A simpler way of life. I guess I am capable of more love than I ever thought imaginable.

That's really what I want out of life I think. Love and happiness. I am working on the second part right now. Things have been going damn good. I'll be damned if I don't really want and miss the first though. All the fuck buddies in the world are great. Sex can be a lot of fun. Take your clothes off, do the horizontal bop (or the vertical bop, or the diagonal bop....just as long as it's not the Unskinny bop, because that is just cheesy and it is maybe the worst song of all time.) for a little while. Lay there. Go home.Feel like the world is perfect for a moment. Great right?!? I don't really know anymore. It's kind of empty. It's like a hit of cocaine. An immediate high and then.........DONE!It doesn't sustain. Not quite as fufilling as making love. A good distraction from loneliness though I am sure.

I guess what I mean is that I don't think that's where I want to be. I love being in love. I'm a terribly romantic guy and an absolute love junkie.I want that moment where you look in someone's eyes and feel like you're sharing the punchline to a joke that the rest of the world hasn't even heard. That moment where you look into someone's soul and are glad for what you see there. I want to be out and about and see a gift that I just know I need to buy for that special someone who owns my heart.Like Moonlight Graham(from Field of Dreams, who strangely enough I just found out was born in N.C.). I want them to find a stack of blue hats in my office when I pass on. I want to bring home flowers. Write songs. I want my heart to get pumping when I know that I am going to see that person soon. That they are on their way home. I want to check my breath. Spray on something to make me smell good. Make sure that my clothes look good. I want to be able to look at someone and not have to say it, but know how real it is when the words are spoken. I want to get together and give them a long movie-star kind of kiss from the bottom of my heart.....no tongue, just lips pressed together for an eternity in a few seconds. That's what I want folks.

I want this, And this, and any other number of love songs that I could post here.

I want to have a romance that lasts everyday and for the rest of my life with a person who compliments me. Not "Tom you look great today" . As we all know, I already look great (kidding), but like a knife compliments a fork. "Hey I'm gonna cut this thing here, why don't you pick it up and shove it in the pie hole". That's what I want.

I want to have a great sex life. For me, that doesn't come from the physical act alone. I used to have major issues with sex. I was rarely present in the act. Always had this strange way of divorcing my soul from the moment. Kind of out of body. Yeah, I was doing it, and it felt great to get off, but my soul was rarely there. Sex was something that I did. Not that it was that way every single time.Being present was just more the exception than the rule. I never really understood what all the fuss was about. I knew I liked it, but I always felt like other people were enjoying it a whole lot more than I and didn't understand why. Well, now I finally understand what it is about for me. It's about connection. That's what I long for. Making love is so much different than sex. ANOTHER PLANET. It's all the sweat and the good sensations on the surface, coupled with smiling at each other, looking straight into your partners eyes and not saying a word. It's knowing that you love and respect the person that you are with. You don't need the loud music, you don't need coarse words, you don't need a few drinks to get yourself in the mood. That's what I want.

I've been very fortunate in my life to have fallen in love a few times. I have experienced love at first sight. I have felt the excitement when your phone rings and you hope for a moment that it is the one you love on the other end. I have seen a woman appear like an angel as she walked towards me, the sun at her back and never looking more beautiful. I've seen a woman looking inquisitively around, wondering where I am. I have laughed, loved, smiled and been very fortunate.

I've been hurt very badly. So badly that I've thought I wanted to curl up and die. I've been cheated on, mistreated. I've been abandoned on the days when I needed someone most. I've not been supported by my loved one. I have asked questions and been returned silence. I've been lied to, used and left hopeless. I am still standing though.

I have hurt people. Broken trusts and promises. For that I am very sorry, I wish that in every instance I hadn't. I am so imperfect. I get scared in love. I never want to lose it. I want to be everything for the person I am with. I want to be Superman and save the world. I want for everyone to look at me in the best light at all times. I screw up on a regular basis. I will for the rest of my life. I have come to grips with the fact that I will never have it all figured out. Mainly because there will always be a new question right around the corner.

I do know that in spite of my many flaws, and there are A TON, I think am a pretty good catch. I'm an honest man. I treat others well. I'm not going to have a modeling career, so my finally perfecting "Blue Steel" will go to waste, but I am pretty good looking guy.I will never be a doctor or a lawyer, but I work hard. I like to see the ones I love laugh...it's what I live for most of the time, it makes me happy.I'm good in bed. She comes first had been my motto for a long time. I am compassionate. I can support someone when they cry and be strong, or cry with them if it's called for. I am sensitive. I wish I weren't so much so sometimes, but I am. I have cried over heartbreak and out of the joy of being in love. I am confident enough to know that both are okay.I am an empathetic, feeling human being. I will be a damn good father someday. I have had enough life experience to scare the shit out of some young punk, or impart a few tidbits of wisdom, AND with the regular beatings I plan on administering, my kids will be well behaved. (kidding again) I want my kids to grow up and ask innocent questions like this one. I want them to see their parents have a life long love affair. That dad, when he comes home gives mom that movie scene kiss before he plays with the kids. That their folks calmly resolve their issues. I want them being hard pressed to remember their parents ever raising their voices to one another. I also want my kids to have the fear of god in them if they ever disrespect their mom for fear of what dad is going to do to them. (not kidding that time) That is what I want.

The other morning someone told me so many good things about myself I could hardly believe it. Really folks. This is tough for me.I'm very bad with recieving compliments and rarely see in me what others seem to. I may seem arrogant on here, and in life, some times, or even most of the time. It's usually a bit of a cover up. I'm like a puffer fish. Blowing up to seem bigger than I am. I usually feel pretty good about myself. The arrogant facade I put up sometimes is a mask which I created during a torturous childhood and still don from time to time to make myself feel a bit more safe and secure.

For now though, I am going to go with my current theme song (I've had so many thoughout my life). Right now I ain't got nobody and I am laughing about it. I'm singing and dancing everyday, on my coffee table in my underwear, sitting on my deck and writing yet another song of love gone awry, or ones about friends who have supported me even when they didn't know they were doing it. I'll date and laugh and go out. I'll pay for every dance, sell each romance. It's not what I want at the core of me, but it's the hand that I have been dealt for the moment. I can play the hand..........but maybe I should just try another table. I'll have to pray on that one.

There will come a day when things settle down for me and my playtime will be over, I look forward to it..........but youth hasn't passed away..........yet.

Balance, love, respect, equality and happiness.

That's what I want.

If you made it this far....I commend you. Thanks for humoring me. I'm sure that you are one of the people I love and care about. For an entry that is much more fun, check out the Sandal-ass Challenge and sign up.