Delicious Tom Love's sandal making Jiz-am YO!

In my desperation to have my feet free once more, I have made myself a new pair of sandals. With summertime quickly approaching, now's a good time for everyone to partake of some crafts activities. It really brings to mind my days at Ten Mile River Boy Scout Camp. Making useless items out of scraps of leather and learning how to carve more useless things out of blocks of wood.

How To Make You Some PHAT-ASS Sandals Beee-yotch!

Supplies Needed

1.An old pair of sneakers (any type or brand will suffice)



An X-acto Knife (or other Cutting Utensil)



A plastic bag for scraps (in this case, from Food Lion, but any bag will do)



Optional-

Six Pack of Beer (For my project, I chose Yuenling Lager. Ice cold american beer is the way to go during the summertime. Corona works really well also.)



I assume that for some of you a nicely rolled spliff would go well with this project also. Not smoking that stuff, I don't have a pic to share. If you do....ENJOY! YOu are about to embark on a freeing journey to feel like a member of the Cosby Kids! As long as you're not Mush-Mouth(Hey-be Alber We-b Gonna Make-be sum-be sandals?)....you're good. Though, being mush-mouth after ou've had four or five drinks? Okay! On to the project-

First a word on the shoes.

I purchased these sneakers for $20 at a time when I had little money. I always shop the clearance racks for sneaker finds. Well, I should say I USED to. I thought " Hey $20 for a pair of Lugz sneakers?!? Great! I'll take em'!" So I bought the senaks, got them home and was very happy with them. About three months later, brother Dave says to me....looking inquizitively at my dogs...."Hey man, are those two different sneakers?" I looked down and noticed that I bought two slightly different shoes! THe sold me a non-pair-pair! The Fucks! Check it out. I bet you didn't realize when you looked at the first pic, that hese were two slightly different shoes








So I was upset, but that's what I got for not being observant. I figured. Hell, twenty bucks. So What right. It was at this point that I was dating Heather. I made the mistake of pointing out, to the shoe queen herself, that these were two different shoes. She was determined to get them off of my feet for good.

So this one night, she calls me up, last minute to go to a bar and meet her friend Sandra. I say okay and meet her in union Sq with the sneakers on, a half hour later. This was unacceptable. So we bought me some new shoes. we went to whatever that shoe store is across from the Virgin Megastore and perused the shoe selection. I think that, in her mind, anything in the store (including ladies) would have been a step up. we bought a pair.

I walked out of the store, with my old, mismatched sneaks in a box. I left them, instead of in the trash, in a Village Voice newspaper dispenser (Is that what you call these things?) Like this.....


(Photo credit Heather Louise)

And we went to the bar/club. After a night of debauchery, about five hours later, we were walking to the train and talked about the shoes, which were in the Voice thing, on the corner of 14th a broadway. We went back, on a goof to see if they were still there. Sure enough, there they were. Mint in the box. I grabbed them and we went home. We laughed our asses off and I still had my mismatched reminders of the power of observation.

Anyhow.....back to the project.

Step one.

Open a Yeungling



Step 2

Remove constrictive shoes and socks (come on, this is the whole point of the project folks)





WARNING-Socks may be smelly, or stinky. The Plastic bag may be helpful also if the odor is too strong. Place socks in bag, and throw away. Please do not think about shearing off your feet(I know that you may actually consider this option) if this is the case. You will need them in the future.

Step 3

Place first shoe in front of you. With the X-acto knife, cut an incision vertically across the toe section of the sneakers (figure 1).Start cutting the bee-yotch like a mo-fo! Make sure to cut deeply through all of the fabric and to pull back excess material as you go along (Figure 2). Complete incision over toes and on to the other side (Figure 3)

Figure 1



Figure 2



Figure 3



Step 4-

Continue removing the toe section of the sneakers by making a horizontal incision across the front of the sneakers removing the toe section completely




Step 5-

Drink beer by bringing to lips (figure 4)




Step 6 (optional)-Repeat step five (see figure 4)

Step 7 Remove toe section and disgard.

Step 8-Reapeat all steps on second shoe

Step 9-Try on for size. Make any adjusments nessesary




Now you're read to get it on, city style at the joint of your choice.Be meeting all the fine ladies. Catchin' the digits and going full force out into the world! Getting it on and having fun. (I thought about not posting this pic. Not my most flattering picture. Fuck it. I laughed my ass off and got many compliments on the treads)

Later Y'all