This blog

This blog has been my connection to the outside world so many times. When I was holed up in a long term stay hotel, feeling alone and abandoned, all I did was blog, drink and sit around. I moaned and complained on here. Mive V once told me that my blog became a real downer. At one point I figured out that I had stopped blogging for myself. That I was posting things out of a need for revenge against someone who had hurt me, and editing things for others. I stopped this. Started living for myself.

Blogs and relationships. They are a funny thing. You can certainley have both. Many of us do. Some of us keep our blogs from our loved ones. Some of us share them with everybody. I think that with the type of blog that I keep, more of an online diary, it's a little bit harder to keep it cool.I tend to want to share all of my hurts and my triumphs.Say "Look what I did" or "Look how this person injured me!". So I struggle with it. Trying to be positive, trying to be light. Trying to stay out of High Shcool like drama.

Over the last couple days I had some major shit go down and I had two people get together to try and take me down even further. One of the two was way out of line with nothing good to say. High School level bullshit.This all happened over instant messenger, a terrible way to have any convo of importance. It allows you to walk away, block the other person, say things that you wouldn't if you were face to face. But, it can show the type of person that you really are. It is sort of like Catholic confession throught the old school screen. You can say whatever you want and not have to see a reaction.It's cowardly. I don't want to be involved with those type of people in my life.I was in the hospital two days ago and am still sort of recovering. Yesterday made me realize where the source of the stress had come from.I got really worked up and experienced and "aftershock", for lack of a better term.Makes everything clear. When you feel, even for a moment that your life may be in jeopardy.

I really examined the types of relations that I have kept in my life. Especially when it comes to the women I have been involved with. Where those relations come from, where they lead to. In talking to someone yesterday, I realized that I have this penchant for getting into my car (analogies, love em) with the new person that I have met and hitting the gas. Getting up to 90mph, right away, only to find that when I get tired of driving, the ther person doesn't want to take the wheel. I never really date. Which for this analogy, would be taking the scenic route, stopping and getting lunch, taking in some scenic overlooks etc. Basically, a few big relationships, not a whole lot of dating. Fooling around? Sure. But taking the time and getting to know someone? Not really.

I guess once you make the move you need to be able to stick to it. I am a pretty giving, good catch, understanding, sensitive guy. I have areas where I still need shoring up, but who among us doesn't right?

So with all of that said, i may take a hiatus from this blog. Take a break and give my wounded, beaten down heart some time to heal.Tonight is clean time! I am changing out all of the pictures in my apartment to reflect happier times. I think I am going to buy some photo paper today so I can print out some more pics of my loved ones. Going to do some massive amounts of laundry, and dishes.Out with the old, in with the new. Good days ahead, hurtful people out of my life and better times right around the corner.

Love Y'all