In a world that keeps on pushin' me around......
So I realized that this blog has become empty lately. I thought that I used to be able, very easily, to keep things fresh, interesting and fun. For gods fucking sake (Wow, where did that lightening bolt that I just dodged right now come from?) I BLOGGED ABOUT THE WEATHER!
The fucking weather. That is like the ending of a bad date. When you realize the person you want to fuck is completely uninteresting if the thought of sex is not on your mind.
"So........"
"Yeah.....um......"
"It is so beautiful tonight"
"Yeah...it really is. I hear it will be 70 tomorrow"
"Really?!?"
"Yup....70"
"Yeah......"
"so......"
"um......wanna go fuck?"
"I guess so"
I mean there are so many things I could be writing about. The songwriting and music playing. The Artwork. My Job. The fact that my former wife must be a Saint to STILL put up with me after all these years. The way that I feel that all of my friends have forgotten me. The way I felt utterly betrayed by my former girlfriend when she broke things off...again. The utter exhaustion I am feeling after my 10th straight day at work.Recent dates I have been on. The way that my sitemeter counter tells me how people have found this little portion of the World Wide Web, and how Julie's daughter Jaime has brought me many visitors with a much different purpose.
Point is, I have been holding back. Not letting it fly. Sorta like Joe "Willie" Namath guaranteeing a decent game in Super Bowl III, Ali saying that he might be one of the greatest ever or the pimply faced kid at McDonald's not even considering that, yes, you may indeed like fries with that. Ask you little pimply faced bitch! ASK!
I was really inspired by MHN's blog today. The problem I am having with this blog recently are the problems that I have been facing my whole life. Wanting to please. Not wanting to hurt feelings. Wanting to be perfect, though I am perfectly not so by any stretch of the imagination.
In my effort not to hurt feelings, not to let too much out there. I forgot myself yet again. Fuck that.
I spent years not caring about number one. I spent 10 years with Nic, trying to be someone I wasn't, though she never asked for anyone but me. Maybe I was scared. Scared to let myself be myself. Scared to excel. Scared of something more. I spent a year plus with Heather. We got together almost every day during the summer and fall of 04, most of winter also.I let her mistreat me and hurt me, only to finally abandon me, for the upteenth time. Shit sure wasn't perfect there, but it was damn good. I feel like such a fool some days for believing in something that was just a reflection of reality. Or maybe it was for real. Who fucking knows? It sucks. I do know how fucking wonderful I am though. I know I have a huge ego(as many will remind me, or tell you if you ask them) but damn, I am a pretty goddamned nice guy.
Problem is I always hide who I am. Nic met a non smoking kid on a meditative high. I wasn't the self abusive, off kilter, addictive fucker that I usually am when we met Imagine her surprise when she met the real me! ! Heather met a fantasy. She didn't even call me by my real name. I've been the rockstar, the prep, the businessman, the puppet, the pauper, the pirate, the poet, the pawn and the king.All masks.Fantastic realizations of me. The smiling face, the sunshiny day.
Fuck that. Fuck them (the masks) and fuck the horse they all rode in on...RIGHT WHERE THEY BREATHE!
So, yes K. I want a vacation. I want to get away. I want to chill on the beach by day. I want to drink to excess till 3 a.m. and I want to make love to a beautiful woman to the sound of the ocean crashing outside my resort widow. I want to look in her eyes and feel intensity...and love. I want to get away from all of this shit. I want to go to Paris and do it right. I want to go to Italy and see the Coliseum and the Vatican (There is a new Pope these days I hear). I want to go to Asheville, North Cara-fucking-line-ee.
I want to dance I want to sing and I want love. True, final lasting love from someone who I respect. That is not a requisite though(the love, the respect is a must). I don't need anyone else. I just need to find the real me, rip off the mask and shout out to the universe that I am going to fucking conquer it. With love, compassion and by smacking it upside it's no good (or too good) sense of humor having head with my dick. Pimp slapping the motherfucker because I wanted a good night and all I got was one Mr. Benjamin...and he's looking pretty lonely. "Is Well in Dowd gonna have to smack a bitch?!?"
I am fucking fed up. I am at my wits end and finishing another Yuengling (Okay everyone, lets say it "YING-LING". Why Yuengling? Because it is cheap, it tastes good and it reminds me of Pittsburgh, PA and simpler times.) Maybe, just maybe, if I have another one, my emotions will shut off for a moment. Some day, there'll be a cure for pain. That's the day I'll throw my drugs away.
So no more bullshit. Fuck you (not you dear reader). This is me. Suck my balls if you don't like it (wow, did I just tell myself to suck my own balls? I gotta start yoga again if that's gonna happen.)
I leave you with my fight songs. Download them, spin them, hear them if you are down. Then go punch someone in the face. But wear a mask, and run! Actually, just listen to the songs and go beat up your fake self. We've all got one. A mask that hides us from the world.
I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
Jump - Van Halen
Dreams - Van Halen (Everything is balance. One Dave, one Sammy)
That's Life - Frank Sinatra
Don't Stop Me Now - Queen
And lots of fucking others.
Whew. That felt damn good.
The fucking weather. That is like the ending of a bad date. When you realize the person you want to fuck is completely uninteresting if the thought of sex is not on your mind.
"So........"
"Yeah.....um......"
"It is so beautiful tonight"
"Yeah...it really is. I hear it will be 70 tomorrow"
"Really?!?"
"Yup....70"
"Yeah......"
"so......"
"um......wanna go fuck?"
"I guess so"
I mean there are so many things I could be writing about. The songwriting and music playing. The Artwork. My Job. The fact that my former wife must be a Saint to STILL put up with me after all these years. The way that I feel that all of my friends have forgotten me. The way I felt utterly betrayed by my former girlfriend when she broke things off...again. The utter exhaustion I am feeling after my 10th straight day at work.Recent dates I have been on. The way that my sitemeter counter tells me how people have found this little portion of the World Wide Web, and how Julie's daughter Jaime has brought me many visitors with a much different purpose.
Point is, I have been holding back. Not letting it fly. Sorta like Joe "Willie" Namath guaranteeing a decent game in Super Bowl III, Ali saying that he might be one of the greatest ever or the pimply faced kid at McDonald's not even considering that, yes, you may indeed like fries with that. Ask you little pimply faced bitch! ASK!
I was really inspired by MHN's blog today. The problem I am having with this blog recently are the problems that I have been facing my whole life. Wanting to please. Not wanting to hurt feelings. Wanting to be perfect, though I am perfectly not so by any stretch of the imagination.
In my effort not to hurt feelings, not to let too much out there. I forgot myself yet again. Fuck that.
I spent years not caring about number one. I spent 10 years with Nic, trying to be someone I wasn't, though she never asked for anyone but me. Maybe I was scared. Scared to let myself be myself. Scared to excel. Scared of something more. I spent a year plus with Heather. We got together almost every day during the summer and fall of 04, most of winter also.I let her mistreat me and hurt me, only to finally abandon me, for the upteenth time. Shit sure wasn't perfect there, but it was damn good. I feel like such a fool some days for believing in something that was just a reflection of reality. Or maybe it was for real. Who fucking knows? It sucks. I do know how fucking wonderful I am though. I know I have a huge ego(as many will remind me, or tell you if you ask them) but damn, I am a pretty goddamned nice guy.
Problem is I always hide who I am. Nic met a non smoking kid on a meditative high. I wasn't the self abusive, off kilter, addictive fucker that I usually am when we met Imagine her surprise when she met the real me! ! Heather met a fantasy. She didn't even call me by my real name. I've been the rockstar, the prep, the businessman, the puppet, the pauper, the pirate, the poet, the pawn and the king.All masks.Fantastic realizations of me. The smiling face, the sunshiny day.
Fuck that. Fuck them (the masks) and fuck the horse they all rode in on...RIGHT WHERE THEY BREATHE!
So, yes K. I want a vacation. I want to get away. I want to chill on the beach by day. I want to drink to excess till 3 a.m. and I want to make love to a beautiful woman to the sound of the ocean crashing outside my resort widow. I want to look in her eyes and feel intensity...and love. I want to get away from all of this shit. I want to go to Paris and do it right. I want to go to Italy and see the Coliseum and the Vatican (There is a new Pope these days I hear). I want to go to Asheville, North Cara-fucking-line-ee.
I want to dance I want to sing and I want love. True, final lasting love from someone who I respect. That is not a requisite though(the love, the respect is a must). I don't need anyone else. I just need to find the real me, rip off the mask and shout out to the universe that I am going to fucking conquer it. With love, compassion and by smacking it upside it's no good (or too good) sense of humor having head with my dick. Pimp slapping the motherfucker because I wanted a good night and all I got was one Mr. Benjamin...and he's looking pretty lonely. "Is Well in Dowd gonna have to smack a bitch?!?"
I am fucking fed up. I am at my wits end and finishing another Yuengling (Okay everyone, lets say it "YING-LING". Why Yuengling? Because it is cheap, it tastes good and it reminds me of Pittsburgh, PA and simpler times.) Maybe, just maybe, if I have another one, my emotions will shut off for a moment. Some day, there'll be a cure for pain. That's the day I'll throw my drugs away.
So no more bullshit. Fuck you (not you dear reader). This is me. Suck my balls if you don't like it (wow, did I just tell myself to suck my own balls? I gotta start yoga again if that's gonna happen.)
I leave you with my fight songs. Download them, spin them, hear them if you are down. Then go punch someone in the face. But wear a mask, and run! Actually, just listen to the songs and go beat up your fake self. We've all got one. A mask that hides us from the world.
I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
Jump - Van Halen
Dreams - Van Halen (Everything is balance. One Dave, one Sammy)
That's Life - Frank Sinatra
Don't Stop Me Now - Queen
And lots of fucking others.
Whew. That felt damn good.
posted by TD at 1:12 AM
16 Comments:
We've all got one. A mask that hides us from the world.
Wow... Tom. I'm a little stunned after that post.
We all wear masks. We all want to take the mask off and be loved for who we really are.
I don't pretend to know you, other than what you post here, but I hear ya and I understand.
(Sorry, but I'm taken!)
Half-assed attempt at humor.
I'll just throw a random thought out here... and this isn't meant to be some righteous high-horse comment, but a sincere question for you to consider:
Do you think alcohol helps?
PS Feel free to email if you want...
You go Tom!! Looks like we both needed the cathardic release of a good blogging session and "smoke our cigarrettes" afterward. "Was it good for you??? Me too." The "others" be damned! love you, Man!
I'll come back and comment when my brain is on the right track. (Uh, not that it ever was) But, I just HAD to tell how I LOVE when you and your mom comment to eachother. It makes me smile.
Now, is it really mom?
Yeah Jenn, that is mom. THE mom. What do you love about it? hahaha. I am always a bit freaked out when she comments. Mainly bc I feel like she can learn a whole lot about me by reading this. This last post contained a lot of cursing and an analogy about me slapping something with my dick.
MHN, yeah it was good. Your post did inspire me to realize that for one reason or another I have been holding back. Time to let it flow.
K, I might shoot you that email. I don't know about the alcohol. I keep trying, but I keep feeling. Oh well. Heroin, here I come. I hear that feels like swimming. hahaha.
Some how I doubt your mom will be surprised at you using such language....
I'm still here to talk, as always. I know I'm sometimes busy with homework these days, but it's not like I never slack off on it for less important reasons.
I really know what you mean though, I've noticed times in my life when I'm not being me, and just the other day I was talking to my godfather about when you lose yourself inside someone else's identity and how easy it is to drown in that.
Anyways... balance? No Gary?
you know Mike, I think you're right...she wouldn't be shocked to hear my sailor mouth.
Thanks man, I know you're there. What you could do for me right now is help me with that project we discussed the other night.
It is easy to drown yourself in another. I certainly have been guilty of that at times. Not really what I meant with this post though. I think there is a big distinction btwn losing yourself in another, and not allowing others to know the real you to begin with.
Hell, you know quite a bit of the bullshit I have been through. Still fucking standing and fuck'em all.
It's great to have friends that have your back.
Yes, it is the real Mom. No, I am not shocked at the language and I guess I had the same reaction as
"the real me". Do you think alcohol really helps?
You are getting there and Nicole is really special. We all put up with each other some times. Life is learning to like yourself as best you can.
Looked at some childhood pictures of you and Dave. Boy I am glad I had you both. Lucky me.
I know that the drinking is no good for me. We can all agree though that a beer in the morning helps to stop the shakes though. hahahaha.
Well, you know if your mom and I are on the same wavelength, I can't be all bad, right?
Anytime, Tom...
K, I think there are some who would raise an eyebrow to that statement.
I do appreciate the concern though. I have been partying, and working, like a madman recently. Tonight I am just going to get together with a friend and watch a movie.
Good wholesome fun. Is everyone satisfied now?
As long as the movie isn't "The Upside of Anger".
:)
And whadya mean, raise an eyebrow?
Glad to have been of service, my dear Tom. Last week was a real bitch. This week is MUCH better. I hope that yours is better too. love to ya!! m.
Hey Tom's Mom!! Long time no see-whatever you do-don't read my blog-you think Tom's language is bad!!
Miss you Tommy Boy!!
*SMILE*
Tommy, I don't think that you need to find yourself. You know who your are, but it sounds like you are afraid of something. I don't know what. Maybe something that you have done, some decision that does not sit with what you may want to be. You know that you are a nice guy with an ego. What I have learned about myself, when I thought that I didn't know myself, was that yes those masks do exist. But underneath them I was the nice guy that would do anything for his friends. I had also learned that I thought that I didn't know myself because I was making decisions that I at the core didn't like, but didn't know how to stop.
Tommy, you and I have a lot in common, and have known each other for years. Fuck what people think. Remember it is YOUR BLOG.
**Dork Alert**
Once again... You ARE, Well In Dowd.
:)
well damn! I need to learn to proof read and not blog drunk. hahaha.
I got a call from Nic about this one. I guess she read me saying fuck them, right where they breathe, as an attack on her. Wild. I didn't even consider that at all. I think I was just going train of thought and left that in.
Nic, please note that I wasn't saying fuck you , to you. I actually think you are great and regret any hurt I may have caused you...including that within this post.
I've told you many times that you deserved better.
I think I was more screaming out at myself and then got pissed at everything and said fuck them where they breathe. Really, I never talk bad about you. Heather? She's another story all together. I think you sort of got lumped in with someone who really fucked me over.
That was more about me than it was about you. Sorry. I apologize 1000 times
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