World pushin' 2...Electric boogaloo
So the last post felt really great. I really got a lot out there which I had not been sharing. I wonder how much I should share though. I sometimes walk a fine line between life, and making mine an open book.
That last post was a real blogasm. I just let her rip. That is good and it feels great but I hurt some feelings.
After re-reading it I wanted to issue the following retraction. NICOLE - I didn't mean "fuck you" to you.
You see, I mad the mistake of lumping Nicole in with my other recent ex in the same paragraph. While that paragraph was honest, and pretty damn insightful, what followed it was not meant for Nic, or anyone specifically. I meant fuck you, in the universal way, fuck you to the masks I wore. I was just going and didn't stop to think about the next line. In fact, I think I meant that more to the world, and my own masks, than to people specifically.
Anyone that knows me, has spoken to me recently, or has read this blog knows that I think really highly of my former wife. She is one of the world's truly excellent people.
I then lumped her in with someone who I really have a strong dislike for, who shafted me, and whom I harbor quite a bit of resentment for. WRONG! Just like in business, location, location, location. Bad location? NOT A GOOD INVESTMENT! Can't put the former wife next to the ex girlfriend in a paragraph and expect good things to come from it. Oops! Do'ah! DUH!
So a friend and I had a long talk about Karma the other day. I figure that a lot of the stuff I am currently going through is related closely to some of the shit I did in the past. What comes around goes around. I must admit I have taken a bit of glee at times in my life when I have thought about what other people who have wronged me have coming their way. I usually forget what I've got coming down the pike though.
People have actually said to me that they could not believe how good I have been about everything recently. I guess I should be more venomous at times. I think I really held back saying some shit because part of me was thinking about reunions. Honestly. Am I the worlds biggest knothead? Why do I want those kind of people in my life?
That is the question of the moment for your favorite New York transplant.
WHY?
I look back on the way my life has been in since May of 2004, when my newly ex-girlfriend and I first hooked up. I surely did some fucked up things in that time, with that relationship specifically. Hell, I fucked up once in such a big way that it still makes me shake my head.We're talking serious "Dude, are you chemically imbalanced?!?" sort of fucked up. God damnit though! I seriously think that the times that were best were when I was all by myself with no chance at a relationship.
When I look back on the painting of my life detailing this time, I think I see a set of highly imbalanced scales. I added some weight to my side there. For sure. But I will be damned if I didn't take it more than I gave it.
I am a bit embarrassed that I put up with half of the shit that I did. I mean seriously folks. Those of you who know the tale have shaken your heads at me countless times already. I don't know that anyone knows the whole tale though. I had some seriously fucked up shit done to me. Really fucking abusive, thoughtless, hurtful crap.I kept smiling though. Good things are right around the corner!
So now I stand looking back on this relationship and I feel like I was just a stand in. A good standby option for someone who didn't really give two shits about my feelings.
So I had my comeuppance, my karma coming back to bite me. I did get some nice parting gifts though. I think that makes me a man whore. Or would that be she-bitch?
posted by TD at 10:00 PM
7 Comments:
I like your new tag line about breaking the addiction to abusive relationships. It got me thinking.
I'm in a relationship now with someone who spends too much time worrying about other people and not enough time worrying about himself. That is so 180-degrees different than what I'm used to. Why have I always been attracted to totally self-centered, self-serving, stick-around-and-let-me-take-horrible-advantage-of-you types? Addiction? Perhaps.
Glad I broke mine!! Hope you do too. You've got my email if you ever need a support person!!
Good luck!
Whiz,Thanks. I might take you up on that email offer at some point. I would have to did up the addy though. I never gave you that guest blog, and lost it.
My relationships have varied. This last one was a real piece of work though.I did get what I was looking for though. Oh well.
Love the new pic BTW.
Man-whore, maybe?
haha
Here's a question... You're a musical kind of guy. What song fits you best?
interesting blog entry. it's amazing how people's true colors come out during a hard breakup...
a lot of money spent on you, huh? sounds like a pretty shitty relationship if that's all you can take away from it. how you stayed in it so long with what sounds like not a single positive thing, i dont know.
K-I'll think about the song and get back to you.
Anonymous. I don't know if it is so much true colors with me right now as it is coming to terms with a year plus of hurt. A lot of people would agree that I was not treated well, and these are not people who I told the story to.
It does sound like not a single positive thing doesn't it? I think a lot of that is tempered by the fact that I pushed down a lot of anger towards for the treatment I recieved. If I listed them here (future blog entry maybe? hmmm.) your head would spin.
Some day I think I will be able to look back and say "this was positive" "that was positive". Right now though? Kind of hard to see that stuff.
I learned a lot about myself in the context of my relationship with my ex, and continue to do so.
It was a pretty shitty relationship. There could have been more if more than one of us had been willing to give, and to work on it.I really hadn't thought of the relationship as shitty until you pointed that out. I had a great ability to overlook everything heaped upon me.
So what am I left with for the moment? Sex,money spent, and a few good times which I wonder about the sincerity of.
well, sounds like good riddance then. speaking of not a good investment, it also sounds like you should be glad she's not asking for all her money back!
good luck in love and life.
Man...Anonymous checking in with some weighty shite!
I think good riddance is a strong way of putting it. I think if you asked either one of us now, we would both agree that this was really the best thing for both of us.
Asking for money back? Well, I think that is also a bit strong and I think you are really looking at things in the wrong light. that was more about what I allowed than what she spent. I took a lot of doo-doo, and had some cash spent on me. I was a lover, an anonymous, NSA,disposable affair. affair. My suga' mama took good care of me. hahaha. It's a bad feeling. I wouldn't change a thing, but I sure would give the money back to have some of the pain I was caused erase.
You are definately right. Not a good investment. Thanks for the insight. :)
Good luck to you also. Whoever you are.
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