How to make a good Rock -n- Roll album 101

So I was listening to some music today. Which I do everyday. I have been in this mode of listening to old 80's and 90's rock. Now VH is a constant for me. The other stuff that I listened to growing up I tend to neglect though. I busted out Motley Crue and GNR this week.

on the way home I was listening to Appetite for Destruction. Which in my opinion, is one of the greatest rock and roll albums ever made. Unreal how good it is. I love it. It did bring to my mind though, what makes a good rock and roll album. Here are my thoughts.

Point#1- Your parents must HATE it

In my opinion there is no way around this point. If your parents can like it, it can not be considered a great rock album. Now, for some of us, this can have some play. My ex-mother in law, for instance, could listen to Zep and Bowie, both who have put out some great stuff. Her parents however must have hated both, so they can be included in the discussion. it's really a decade specific thing.

I bought GnR's Live Like a Suicide on the day it came out (this was well before Appetite was released) . I made the purchase soley on the fact that in the record shop that I used to go to each week (after I saved the lunch money my folks gave me everyday by stealing cheesburgers everyday from St. Francis Prepetory's cafeteria) was playing the album and the thing that caught my ear was Axel screaming, before their cover of Mama Kin "This is a song about your fucking mother!". Sold! Where do I find that! Guess what? Parents.....not pleased. Job well done.

My other favorite example of this was the time my dad's favorite classical radio station changed it's format to all hard rock all the time. In the week leading up to the new format, they played AC/DC for a week straight, 24 hours a day. So the family jumps in the car. Dad, behind the wheel, searching for some lovely piano sonatas in G, is greeted instead by Bon Scott screaming "Fourt'two thirt'ninefiftysix
You could say she's got it all!!!!!!" Dad was so mad (for those of you who know my dad, he NEVER curses, except about halfway through doing some household chore) "What did you do to the radio?!?" He actually thought that I had somehow, in my electronic genius, rigged the radio to play only AC/DC! I do dirty deeds, dirt cheap but I am not that adept at anything. (Maybe one or two things, but the are not mechanical aptitudes)Ahhhh! The satisfaction!

Point#2-Subject matter

A truly great rock and roll album must have at least one song containing the following subject matter.

Fucking (this can also include the blanket subject of women..those being the ones you have, or would like to, engage(d) in said fucking with)
Drinking
Doing Drugs
Partying (and I think the previous three all fall under this category)
Driving fast

Motley Crue (10 seconds to Love), Motorhead (I'm so bad), DLR Van Halen (Panama-Which I might add is about drinking and driving and has the little slow down part with the sexual innuendo) and many others have achieved this.

Sorry Elton John, Sorry Queen...too much love, loneliness, and happiness. Sammy VH? Way too positive. Like them all, but not great rock and roll.

One more note on content. This will exclude a lot of earlier great rock and roll records, but a well placed curse word can always elevate a good rock record into a great one. Fuck, shit, and bitch are good...but then who among us can't smile at a well placed "motherfucker" in a song? Not me, that's for sure.

Point #3-The effect on the listener

Or-What this makes you want to do. A good rock and roll record should make someone want to do the following

Fuck
Drink
Do Drugs
Party
Drive Fast (Seeing a theme here?)
Smash something

I added the last one because while I believe good rock and roll should lead you to want to smash things (skulls, windows, phone booths, NYC bus stop shelters) they don't necessarily HAVE to sing about it. I listen to "Out to Get Me" and I really, at 32, want to break something. Smash it into the atoms from whence it came.

Point #4-Melody and attitude

The music has got to be rough around the edges and have an arrogant "My cock is twelve inches long and as thick around as a loaf of Salami! Want me to slap you upside the head and back into reality with it?" attitude about it. This will be the most masoginistic thing you will ever read on my blog, but this is also why so very few women, over the course of history, have truly rocked. It's a penis party.

Talent and musicianship tend to take a backseat to attitude in truly great Rock and Roll. Who rocked harder? The Ramones or ELO? No argument, Joey and the boys, HANDS DOWN. Who could play their instruments? Not the gone but not forgotten products of Forest Hills High School. The Ramones couldn't play worth shit. It didn't stop them from making Rocket to Russia though.

Point #5-The look

A good Rock and Roll band should look like the stuff of a parents nightmares. Lock up your daughters, lock up the liquor cabinet. What is wrong with those boys. Point is. They need to look scary. No clean cut, good teeth havin, well dressed young lad has ever rocked worth a shit. Peircings. tattoos, long hair all were great in their times. Any look that would discount you from any respectable work is the stuff rock is made of.

So that's my thoughts. I am SURE that I missed quite a few things in here that you all can add to the list. These are just some basic points I thought of. Thoughts people?

GOODNIGHT BOISE! WE LOVE YOU!

Bouncing balls

Going to get a bit preachy on y'all (love that word) today. Well, not too bad I hope. Just a thought. What is love? What to do with it? What does it mean? I don't have the answers to any of that for sure, but I do know this. When you love someone, you need to do it with all of your heart, all of your body and all of your soul. Of this I am sure. To give anything less is silly. You shortchange yourself, the person you are with and the balance of the universe. I always think of one of those stupid chain emails that the lazy folks who have forsaken the written word for email, and have gotten lazy with even that, send along as some idiot proof form of communiation that only makes them seem more the imbicile. "I'm thinking about you....please enjoy this forward about best freinds". But I digress. The one good forward I have ever recieved comtained something to the effect of the following:

Love as if you have never been hurt before

It makes so much sense. You can never truly achieve the next step if you hold back. In love this is doubly true. You need to give everything you've got or you are a fool. Excercising restraint in love is to not truly love at all. I know for myself that I am capable of so much. My mentor once told me "Tom, I can teach someone a lot of things, how to maxmize your stock levels, how to achieve a good turn ratio, how to manipulate a spreadsheet and how to negotiate a deal. What I can't teach someone is how to be a good person. How to communicate. That is inate. Either you have it, or you don't"

Me? I have it. I know that for all of my failings, I am a good person. I can express myself in many ways and I don't need to learn these things. they are inate.They can't be taught, trained or manipulated. I figure that is going to serve me well when and if I find that someone who is just for me. That's gotta be worth something to the right person. Do you agree?

I have fucked up in my love life plenty o times. The one thing I never did though, is give up something I believed in. Something I knew to be true. Yeah, sometimes I got hurt because of it, but I could walk away with my head high. Saying I gave it my all. Hell, if I were a sports figure, you might say I left it all on the field, or that I gave 110%. Haha. Those are great sports cliches!

My point, if I have one and if I am not just rambling may best be summed up in something that I posted on Lindsay Lou's blog a while back.It's from one of my all time favorite songs and I think it speaks volumes about how you should treat love.

"when you do find that somebody
Hold that woman, hold that man
Love him, hold him, squeeze her, please her, hold her
Squeeze and please that person, give 'em all your love
Signify your feelings with every gentle caress
Because it's so important to have that special somebody
to hold, kiss, miss, squeeze and please"

Love is precious. If you have it. Hold on to it peeps. Don't ever take a risk with it. Life is like juggling a bunch of glass balls and one rubber one. Work is the rubber ball. You can drop it and it will always bounce back into your hand. Anyone can work when they want to.Health, Family, friends, and love, these are the glass balls. Don't ever drop them, because they don't bounce. You don't get second chances. Make sure that you know what you are doing.....because there is nothing more wonderfull than juggling on a spring day in Central Park or wherever you are.

Sorry to be so deep folks. I am sure I have a light entry in me somewhere. I think up something very surface to make you all laugh pretty soon.

Fear and loathing....let's party!

So I realized this morning that in three short weeks I will be in Sin City. Not the best place for a guy who has been partying way too much to go, but I am suddenly really excited. I can't wait to see the place. I'm inviting anyone who has been there to let me know where to go. Good restaurants, good shows, places to drink, places to dance and places to meet people. Please share. I think I am going to forgo a trip to the Bunny Ranch, though I think it's cool that the have a menu. "Hmmmm, I think I will be having a threesome and a handjob onn the side please." That is hillarious. It would be great if they had a Value meal menu also. "I'll have a number 3 with some coke...I mean A coke" hehe.

I think I am going to forgo the E and the Absinthe on this trip and just party down old school style.........Mushrooms and Acid! hahaha. Actually I just want to have a good time,turn on the charm and laugh. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. We'll see. Can't wait. I'm not much of a gambler (except with my body) but I do love to dance and drink and party down.

I was going to go to the beach this weekend, but some bad weather has hit the Raleigh area. Scattered thunderstroms does not make for a good beach trip. I knew this last night and I used up the other thing that I wanted to do this weekend...See Batman Begins. This was a seriously cool movie. One of the best superhero flicks of all time. Really good folks. I think I may be getting old though. Batman, of course, tries to save Gotham from the clutches of Scarecrow and Ra's Al Ghul. In the course of one chase scene, he is in the Batmobile and starts shooting missles at buildings, driving over rooftops, and generally destroying everything in his path in an effort to escape from his persuers. The whole time I found myself thinking "Man, he is really going to drive up the insurance premiums in that town" and "He's causing so much damage!" hahaha. After that though, I fell into that blissful testosteronish place that I know so well. "Ahhhhh.....splosions!" Good movie. Highly recomended.

Well, I guess I am going to clean my apartment today and maybe paint a little. A freind of mine wants to come by later. I should at least have the house looking respectable.

See Y'all later

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than die with the saints

I have been changing the signature on my blog with regularity. I 'm assuming that my regular readers have caught this. Most of them have been quotes or lines from songs. I'd like to invite you all to take a stab and guess where they are from.NO GOOGLING! Leave your guess with your comment.

I've been having a few health concerns lately. I had the followup to my May physical yesterday. They now want to put a heart monitor on me for 24 hours to find out why my ekg read like I had a heart attack.

This freaks me out a little bit. Heart problems run in my family. Both of my grandfathers died of heart issues.

Point is, I need to start taking better care of myself. This is an ongoing theme in my life. The drinking, partying, smoking and late nights need to get curtailed. For sure. I can't leave myself laying out on the floor anymore like a pair of stinky underpants.

I've tried just about everything that has ever been put in front of me. Taken many risks with myself and my safety...and have no regrets about it. My experiences have made me who I am and I am a pretty good guy.Full of life and fun. People generally like being around me. I can be a bastard for sure. When you take the good with the bad though, I usually come up on the plus side.

So if I were going to post a song of the day it might be "Only The Good Die Young"

But I ain't done yet.

How pleasant is it to be rocked like a hurricane!

This was, without a doubt, one of the coolest, most bizarre (at times), unexpected weekends of my life. I just realized that since Friday morning, I have spent just about 2 hours in my apartment. Fucking cool.

So Friday was wild. I got home at about 9 a.m. Saturday morning. Partied till the break of dawn. (Sorry Jenn...No pics of Friday night.) I got home having had approximately 3-4 hours of sleep, but feeling great.

I packed my bag for B-more and my visit with Laura Lee and her partner in crime Sticki-Nikki, who together, are maybe the finest products to ever come out of Severna Park, MD. (They also, I noticed do that freaky twin stuff now. You know, like when twins finish each other's sentences and do the same movements at the same time, like dolphins jumping in the ocean, and don't realize the are doing it in sync. This is what living together has done to these two wonderful ladies.)

The drive itself was great. Had a great convo with Laura while I was on the way. Had a funny convo with Nicole (For those of you who don't know her, she is maybe the finest product to come out of Pittsburgh, PA) she is the best. Hahaha. There are a lot of similarities btwn Laura and my ex. Both are really witty, quick with a comeback, and would cut off their right arm for a good friend. Always there when you need them.They also take everything to heart.

I arrived at Laura and Nikki's place at about 3-4 o'clock. Rang the bell. No answer. They knew I was coming (well, maybe they thought I was just breathing heavy) where could they be? It was then that I heard voices (not in my head) coming from the back of the house. There were the two divas of the house, sitting on their deck, sweaty, sun kissed and staining the deck. I said "Sexy!" and the two of them were startled a bit. haha. I walked back around and in the front.

I came out back and we all caught up a little bit. It was at this point that they invited me to take off my clothes and help to stain the deck.Ha! I mean they invited me to help. So I got on some shorts and joined the party. Being 6 foot five and all torso, I was able to lean over the side and get the lowest parts of the deck beams. We had a great time talking and drinking beers in the sun. Laura asked me to recount for Nikki what she now refers to as "The Bridge Story".....

The Bridge-

In October of 2001, Nic, me and a group of friends all went down to Cancun for a week in the sun. It was a good time. We would do the typical vacay things. Drink, drink, swim. lay in the sun. etc, etc.

On day, Nic and I went on a tour of Tulum, while the rest of our group was touring Chichen Itza. We had been to Chichen Itza on our honeymoon, and frankly were dying to get away from everyone.

The tour included a trip to Xel Ha,what they call an ecological park, which I called just stupid. We got to Xel Ha and there was a big lagoon in the middle of the park which was teeming with tropical fish. You were welcome to go snorkeling in the lagoon. Which we did at one point.

No as most of you know, I am the worlds most active practical joker. I LOVE to fuck with people. Especially people I care about, but I will settle for a stranger if it will bring me amusement and I don't think that I will get killed. Nic and I were even worse together. She and I were like two combustible substances. We could, and did, fuck with people like we had earned a masters degree in it.

So around the edge of this lagoon, there bridges. The snorkelers could swim under the bridges to get to the other side of the lagoon, and pedestrians could stop and get a handful of fish food from the free vending machines, to throw into the water.They fish would go absolutely nuts when you tossed food in the water. Like the shark feeding time at the aquarium.

Nic and I were walking over one of these bridges, when I noticed what must have been a newlywed couple, snorkeling, hand in hand (awwwww how sickeningly cute) under the bridge we were standing on. Nic had the video camera. So I grabbed a bunch of fishfood and waited for the couple to come out on the other side of the bridge.

When they finally emerged, I tossed the fish food down, right on their backs. The fish went nuts! Like Pirannas on a cow! The water was bubbling like the swimming pool in gremlins when spike fell in at the end. So the woman starts to scream.....through her snorkel! "MMMMMMM! MFFFWAH! MAAAHHHMMMM! *gasp* WMMMWWMMMWW!"

It was maybe the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Well back to my weekend. We talked about relationships and life.How lucky I am to have the relationship with Nicole that I do. We talked a bit about the "lens of life" and how that feels.Laura wrote maybe the best comment I have ever received on this blog. I highly recommend reading it. Then Nikki decided her head wasn't pointy enough, so she went and got her $6 hat.



We the all went for a jog and tried to decide what to do that evening. It was at this point I had opportunity to fuck with Lindsay. We had to get in touch with her and I suggested I call her, on my phone because she doesn't know my number, and tell her I got her number off the bathroom wall. Laura, being her ever helpful and devious self suggested that I tell Linz that I met her at the "Sign of the Whale" (a bar I think) a few months ago. Laura said "You'll really see her squirm" It went down like this-

Linz-"hello?"
Tom-"Hi Lindsay. This is Yurick. We met at the Sign of the Whale a few months ago"
*uncomfortable silence as Lindsay(I assume) tries to remember who I could possibly be and decides to just go with it*
Lindsay-(in a chipper voice) "Hi! How are you?"
(she was really trying not to offend this poor sap whom she couldn't remember)
Tom-"how have you been. It's been a while"
Linz-"Good....you?"

I couldn't hold out anymore. I let her off the hook. God did I laugh hard though. Laura and I both did.

Afterwards, Nikki read me some of her horoscope book.She read me through my sign (Libra, for those of you who don't know) and then through the "love matches" myself and the women in my life. She read Taurus (Nic's sign) and at the end wouldn't read the last line "because it was sad". I had to verbally abuse her until she finally finished it by saying that it wouldn't work out. Well HELLO! I knew that. We decided on the Ramshead Tavern in downtown Annapolis. For those of you who have never been, Annapolis is a great little town to hang out in. Old and beautiful. Ramshead is definitely one of the crown jewels of that town. We proceeded to get loaded. Here's some Pics.




Nikki and Laura looks at Pics on Nikki's Phone


Severna Park's finest show those winning smiles!


Laura and I, looking inebriated, not knowing I had left my wallet on the table, leave the Ramshead to go make sweet, sweet monkey love. (oh wait a minute, that was in my dream.....and her nightmare. We only hung out! I swear. HAHAHAHA)

We got home and Laura and I had a convo on her deck. It was really nice. She is one of the best people I know. I think now that one really good thing that came out of my relationship with Heather is that I now get to count Laura among my friends. She is an amazing lady. It's funny how much our lives have paralleled one another's over the past year. We both separated from our spouses, fell in love again, got our hearts ground into pixie dust and are still standing! The guy who ends up with her is going to be very lucky indeed.

On Sunday, I went and bought a cheap guitar( because I am obsessive about playing guitar and writing songs now. It's a sickness folks) while Laura went out with her family.

When I got back to the house. Nikki and Brad (her B.F.) had gone out and locked the door so I couldn't get back in. I went around back and broke in my new classical guitar. I must have played for an hour ( I lose track of time when I play) and then got up for a walk. I looked down at my feet and saw this!




That's right......A four leaf fucking Clover!!!!! I will be going to the track as soon as possible! Now I know for sure my Ivory Coast money is going to come through for me. I couldn't believe it. Things are coming up Tommy folks!

So in closing. It was a great weekend. I am feeling so good about things right now, the direction that my life is headed in. I feel like things are coming together. It's funny how the things that I wanted least out of life are starting to seem like the things I needed most. I have no idea where I am going to end up. Who, if anyone, I am going to end up with or what I am going to be. Life is so good right now and I am loving who I am and the infinite possibilities ahead of me. People are giving me works of art. I am remembering how important my own music is to my life. I'm finding out that I am a hot commodity and people like being around me.

I would like to just say that Laura is, without a doubt, one of the finest people that I know. She was so nice to me this weekend. She actually gave me a compliment at one point (I am really bad with compliments. I can't take them well) which made me feel so good. She said something to the effect of "Don't you see how wonderful you are?". I think I blushed and said "Not usually". That made my weekend. Good feelings have been so few and far between for me lately. Nikki also said something to the effect of me giving her hope in men. I don't know about that. I can be a real handful in a relationship. Ask Nicole and Heather, both care about me, but are pretty glad to not have to date (or be married to) me anymore. Hahaha. Dating me is like being on your front porch during a thunderstorm. Exciting, exhilarating at times, but scary and at times too much.

On Monday morning, Nikki came into the living room and offered to tuck me in before she left for work (also, she looked damn good! I love seeing a woman dressed up getting ready for work.). I laughed and said thanks, but that I was okay. She then kissed her hand and slapped it onto my forehead. Loved that.

The fabulous Laura then came up from the basement in her red silk housecoat, gave me a crotch shot when she dropped her towel (kidding!). I then played her an acoustic version what ( and this is just a feeling) will be our wedding song. It was lovely. We both laughed and she was amazed that I knew all the lyrics. I Actually had to call Mike Vuolo the day before for a refresher on the second verse. He obliged. Good man Mike.

Before we left, we took this shot.Another thing about Double L and me....We never have a bad picture weekend together.

It's good to have good friends

Three parties, two openings, one frisbee, half the tab, 5 hours to Baltimore.

I just got home from one of the craziest, zaniest nights of my short life. Packing furiously for my trip to go see the General Lee. May have some pics to post next week.

Ya'll be good

Square pegs, round holes,and the lens filter of life.

So I figured that I should temper my fun post from yesterday with another heartfelt post about love and relationships. Love, and the relationships in my life have been the most pressing issue on my mind many days over this past year plus. I can't help it. I dwell, examine, think about this most of the time.

I met Nicole when I was 22, about to turn 23. 10 years ago this coming July 8th. We met under the most unlikely of circumstances and I fell in love at first sight. It had been a few years since I had been in a relationship. Jenn had broken my heart in 91'. I partied and went crazy for a few years. Women and wine, as the song goes. I don't know which song, but it sounded like it would fit. I really left myself out there. I was TOMMY, hear me roar. I was on the eternal hunt for [insert here crude word that rhymes with hunt that early twenties males would use to refer to a woman's sexual apparatus] and completely out of control. Drinking, drugging, gathering as many women as I possibly could and breaking their hearts whenever possible. I was a rude, egomaniacal young man. I was good looking, hot even, and I knew it (some nights, actually my self esteem has never been that high). Not a good combo. Tommy went away for quite a few years. Lately he has come roaring back. Out of control.Not a good thing. That is not the point of this post however.

Back to Nic and I. I have written a few times on this blog, that I am the luckiest guy on earth to have such a cool, down to earth, wonderful soon to be ex-wife. She is one of my best friends. She knows me better than just about anyone on this planet. Dave got 100% on my quiz. Street football and Ringaleevio were my favorite games growing up. Nic got a 90%. In so many ways though, she knows me best. I love her to death and am so very glad she is my friend. Sometimes I think it was my inability to accept happiness which drove a spike between us.I hurt her more than she ever deserved. I did what I needed to do, for me. I still wish that I had spared her some of the pain though.

We were happy together at times. When it came down to it though, we never quite fit. It wasn't that we disliked each other any more than the average couple who has been together for a while. We all have our days where we are going to hate the person we are with.She likes to tell me that I was in love with the "idea" of her. Not in love "with" her. All the work in the world, in counseling, would have made things just "okay". So maybe we wouldn't have been so down in the dumps, but we would never have been fabulous together. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so. Things get to a point where no amount of struggle can ever lead to a reunion of hearts. The dividing line that once you are past, being in love with someone can never happen again.What we now have is great though. A close friendship.

Square pegs and round holes. They will never quite fit. I am a firm believer in this. You can take your square peg, get counseling and try to earn your "Tote and Chip" card of love while attempting to whittle that other person in to the round peg that you need, but I don't believe that is a recipe for success. There needs to be some very basic things in place for it to work. Maybe it's a case of being married too young. Maybe it's inherent in all of us. There is a chemical combination, that with the right person in your life, makes everything seem okay. The lens filter of life.

I know that I am annoyingly bouncing around from analogy to analogy here, but the filter lens of life is what I am looking for. I think it's what all of the lonely hearts in the world, who haven't settled for something less, are looking for. A filter lens for their camera. The focus you do yourself, the lens is what attaches to the end (hehe, that sounds like a dirty analogy)There are many different kinds. They can all fit on the camera. Get some interesting effects. Some have a blue tint, some red. Some give everything the soft glow that surrounding the next "space chick" that Captain Kirk was going to fall for in the original Star Trek series. Then there is that one lens though, that makes everything crisp. The colors seem bolder, the sunsets more vivid. The air smells fresher, the food tastes better and all of the joy in your heart comes spilling over your body, rushing out of every pore to greet the world. The lens is that one person that helps make sense of everything. In the middle of the greatest craziness in the world, there is calm in your heart and a smile on your face.The vividness is greater than everything that you knew before. All of the impossibilities, the improbabilities, the things that you never thought you could accomplish in life suddenly become feasible, attainable.

With all of that said I believe that you also need to be ready for that. It can be a very scary thing. The terror of being naked before someone else. Not physically, but the fear of having someone know all of you. I was there once. Terrified to let the other person in. Truly in.

So what do we do? We all search in vain for that one thing. That lens. That person.Where do we find them? Have we already found them? Did we let them walk away? Force them away out of fear? Did we give up on our one true chance at happiness because we were safer inside our box? Our boxey little life that didn't fufill us in so many ways? Is that the answer?

Maybe that's what the future is. Bland existence with someone you get along with.Not some chick flick, romantic comedy, date movie stuff that I seem to think is actually a possibility.

Have you ever seen one of those old couples? You know the ones I mean? They are the ones who make everyone else envious. Who after umpteen years of marriage still look at each other like a couple of teenagers who have just discovered that they were capable of puppy love. Who glow when they are around each other. You know they have had problems that they have worked through. They are magical and truly blessed. I'm sure that they haven't had the easiest road. There were no doubt struggles, and lots of them, along the way. My Grandmother, for instance, had some really rough times with my Grandad. They raised 10 kids together (Ca-Tho-Lic), had met in High School. Last week on my drive to VA I called her. She told me that she was married 50 years this year. My Grandad passed away in 1977 when I was five. I thought it was cool that she still thought of herself as married. present tense.

Maybe I am thinking in vain that this is all a possibility for me. I know what I want. I think I need to get into a knockdown brawl with Tommy and finally kick his ass. He doesn't love me, just like so many of the women I have met throughout the years. I look for the black hole of dispair. Not the Lens Filter. I learned to do that many, many years ago.

I want the lens filter for my life. I am working on my focus right now. My own personal focus, but I will be damned if I don't want that one filter that makes everything that much crisper.

God am I a big romantic pussy. I need to focus more on beer, chicks, sports, science fiction, blow jobs and fast cars.

Next entry..........more fun.........the scuzzy-nization of Tom

My ship has finally come in!

What a beautiful day! As much as I get down sometimes, I knew that this day would come. My heart is pumping and I am full of life! Last night was great. The last few days have been fantastic. I have been working on a new post which I am hoping to get posted by tomorrow. Here's what I wanted to share with you all though. I am about to come into a bunch of money it seems! Good things happen to good people I suppose.

I woke up this morning to some great emails in my inbox! Here is one of them-

From Mrs. Esther Richard
Abidjan - Cote d'Ivoire

My Dear,

It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture
which I and my Son,intend to establish in your
country.Though I have not met with you before but I
believe, one has to risk confidingin someone to succeed
sometimes in life.Thereis this amount of Eight Million
Five
hundred US Dollars ($8.500.000.00) which my late Husband
deposited with a security company in Abidjan Capital city
of Cote d?Ivoire which he wanted to used for his political
reason in our Country before he was assassinated.

Now I and my son have decided to invest these money in
your
country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa for
security
and political reasons.We want you to help us claim and
receive the consignment which will be sent to you through
diplomatic means to your address to avoid any traces of
the
funds and to enable you plan for the investment in your
Country: I will like to invest part of the money into
these
three investment in your Country but, if there is any
other
business that is better than what I have suggested bellow,
I will be very glad to follow your advice.

1). Real estate
2). The transport industry
3). Five star hotel

If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to
offer to you 20% Of the total fund while the balance will
be invested by you.

I await your soonest response.

Respectfully yours,

Mrs. Esther Richard.


Awwwwww yeah! I am going to take this poor woman for everything she's worth! I also apparently have web-cam girls who want to have sex with me! What's up!?! What's up?!?! Who's yer daddy?!? Who's your daddy?!? Say it! T-O-M! The last and greatest part is that I can also get cheap viagra for the four hour erection I will need when I have sex with my web-cam girls on my pile of ivory coast money, AAAAAANNNNNNDD, xanax to help me deal with the aftermath of cheap casual sex.

Linz, LL, if I get the money transfer by tomorrow, I won't be coming to B-More.I need to quit my job, and get to the airport. I'll be in Paris hanging out at a Cafe near the Seine on Saturday afternoon. Ya'll are welcome to come along though, I'll pay. Nikki too. Hell, all readers of this blog are welcome to join. I've got money to burn. Trip's on me.

See Y'all later

P.S. Here is a pic from last weekend that I thought was fun. Erinn is the Queen of the Self-Takers. Apparently not when there is a foot height difference.

I played with Cox and you played with my potato

I would like to thank everyone who has played with my potato. I am pleased to announce that as of 1:15 p.m. on Monday, my little tot has traveled 38,787 miles, visited 8 states at an average speed of 742.0 mph and been passed 12 times in a matter of 2.2 days! Excellent. Please continue to pass it along for me.

So I went up to Norfolk VA for the weekend to chill with my old friend Erinn Cox. I had a great time! I got up there on Saturday evening. Erinn and I caught up on old times. I was so happy to see that she had a pic that I had taken of her and Nicole in a frame in her house. It was so long ago that I took that pic. The big shock was that it was taken at, guess where, Toad Hall. *GASP* haha.

We went down to Norfolk's "Harbor Fest". She knew the members of one of the bands playing that night. So we got into the backstage area for free. I was pleased that this was the case. I did not want to have to blow a roadie for a backstage pass. The backstage area had free booze (actually, it was only beer, and Bud Light at that, but it was free) and food. We started getting trashed. Laughing our asses off. She has most of the good pix of us. Here is one of me though.......




Note the crazed look in my eyes.

We went to a few bars after the festival. Erinn seems to have collected a really nice group of friends in VA.

We went back to her place at about 12 and stood out on her deck talking for a good long while. The conversation was very much about "How we got here". Love, life, loss and good times. She's a really amazing lady. Brave as hell.

We went to the beach on Sunday and soaked up some rays. She soaked up a whole hell of a lot more than I did. When we got back to her house, her face was the same color as her pink shirt!We listened to Bon Jovi all the way home and laughed our asses off. Good times. Though I looked like a crazy person. My hair is getting longer, was standing straight up, and my shirt was half on. I looked like a pasty white German clown.

We had a few drinks and played some pool after a two hour nap. The jukebox was ours to control, so eighties music was the theme of the night. I can't remember a lot of the songs, but I know that the two of us were singing and bouncing and smiling. Good times!

Her friend Henly met us a bit later (we had already been drinking for about 3 hours). She's a really nice girl. She got me excited about my trip to Costa Rica this fall. I still haven't booked, but think I am going to soon. Henly spent a month there a few years ago. We're going to talk about it some more. She has a few tips for me.

So after all was said and done, I left this morning. It was a fun trip. Next up? Maryland next weekend. Then comes my Vegas Vacation! Can't wait.

I did realize a few things this weekend. (this is the part where you can a groan and sigh bc I am about to regail you with yet another tale of how a 32 y.o. man can do so much self discovery)

First, I have had a rough road this last year. Lost two jobs. Broke a heart. Had mine broken. Lost a pet. Have been broke. And moved 500 miles away from my home of the last 10 years.Henly and I were talking about shitty roads, and I told her all of that , with a smile on my face, and she said "Wow, you win" HAHAHA.

Second,I have been extremely lucky in love. I have fallen deeply in love twice in my life, and connected with many beautiful and interesting women. If I never fall in love again, I will have had a good run.

Third. I am a very fortunate man to have collected so many wonderful and interesting friends over my lifetime. Among my friends are, or have been, artists, musicians, construction specialists, graphic designers, marketing directors, project managers, salesmen, jewelers, buyers, bartenders, Kiss Tribute band players,mechanics, nurses, teachers and people from just about every other walk of life you can imagine. All the people whom I have called friends tend to deeply passionate, wonderful people. I would write a list, but I would forget someone. You all know who you are. It's just amazing to me that you have all found a way to love and support me over the years. Especially when I so often don't love and support myself. While some got their B.A.'s at college, I got a M.S.D.A. (Master of the Self Destructive Arts).I know that I get crazy some days and can be utterly exhausting, but I know I am lucky to have you all.

So on a good closing note, I received this note from Erinn when I got home today.

Hey.

Hope your drive back was good and uneventful. Thanks again for coming up, I had a blast. I forgot to tell you this morning that you were talking in your sleep last night about pizza. You were yelling at me that you wanted pineapple, not pepperoni, on your pizza. You just kept saying this over and over. Weird.

I do really like pizza. But Pineapple? I guess things are really changing for me. God do I love being alive!

Play with my potato

I am passing a potato. Please help me to acheive the ultimate glory of passing it around the entire U.S.A.


Play with my Tots here

Have a great weekend all. I am off to VA for some partying and fun in the sun.

Rumaging through the big garbage can in the sky

R.I.P. Beans 1997-2005






Beans was put to sleep yesterday after a glorious run. He knew how to say mama and used to sit on my shoulders Gunther Gable Williams style. He'll be missed.

Bandit and Jaz shoot some stick with the Roller Derby chick and hit the Jackpot!.........OR..........Here's to Yoga instructors and Islandic babes.

So tonight I met up with Jaz at the Jackpot. Maybe the coolest bar in Raleigh. We had a nice long talk about love, life and how the fuck I got here. Love life came up quite a bit. There ain't any going back in life folks. Though..............God.............some days I wish I could go back in time and change so many little things. Get my life in order maybe. I want that so badly.

So Jaz and I ended up shooting pool with this really cute, nose ringed tattooed chick who plays professional roller derby down here in Raleigh. Yes folks! Along with an obsession about NASCAR, they have Professional Roller Derby here. Well, this is where my competitive nature came in to play this evening.

I know many of you will find this shocking, but I am very competitive. I HATE TO FUCKING LOSE! At anything. Be it checkers, Risk (Not a good game to play with me, I am out for world domination and will be angry with you if I don't get it) Darts, and Pool. Well....Especially pool. I get this glow of hate in my eyes. A focus and determination to destroy you. (Please note that I said "destroy you" not "beat you" . I will fucking hate your ass for a moment if I lose.

When I was a kid I used to play basketball. C.Y.O. (note that this means "Catholic Youth Organization") league. I was a little terror. I used to poke kids in the ribs when they would try to back me down with the basketball. Hard, little jabs. I was thrown out of more than one game. Once I even cursed out a ref at the top of my lungs in front of my parents. I was a little fucking horror show. Imagine a ten/eleven year old kid cursing out an adult referee over a blow foul call....getting tee'd up and then pointing in the motherfucker's face and calling him a blind piece of shit. Of course I am writing about some other little punk. Not me. hahaha. Okay . It was me, but at least I didn't knock a kid out with an uppercut punch to the jaw like my buddy John did during one game when he didn't truly understand the meaning of "intentional foul".

Hell, I am so competitive that I once kneed my boss (this happened during a friendly game about three years ago) in the gut on the way up for a dunk. Not an accident folks, I intentionally went up for the dunk with my knee out and was going to fuck up anyone who got in my way. Boss included. Mind you, this was in the heat of battle. As soon as I came down and beat my chest a little bit I felt calmer. I also noticed that Mike was writhing on the floor holding his stomach. It was at this moment that I flew back home from the Testosterone and Penis Islands and realized that I could be fired by this man. "MIKE, I am so sorry, are you okay?!?" I wasn't sorry, I made the bucket and ended up winning. Fuck those that might get in my way.

I actually banned myself from sporting events at family gatherings. I get out of control. I want to take out my Uzi, pump all of the bitches full of lead to clear my path to the basket. I am talking about FAMILY here folks. I may have a problem. So I stopped playing after a "my cock is bigger than your cock"-basketballs being thrown at the head contest with my cousin Zack at a family reunion about 7 years ago. I have not picked up the ball ever again at a family gathering, except against Dave.

Now Dave and I are even worse against each other, but we laugh. We taunt. Tease. Poke. Push and I get mad, but he doesn't. I suspect sometimes that he wants to win as much as I. I have a jump shot though. (only slightly better than his)

So I hate to fucking lose. In life, business, love, money....godamn you and god help you if you get in my way. Its the way I play pool.

I shoot to win every godamned time. I will take a risky shot, if it means I can destroy you. I have only, EVER, let one person beat me at pool, it was hard as hell for me to do.

Jaz asked me tonight if I would ever lose a game to get some wang-dang-sweet-poontang. This was before Brandi (Rollerball girl) asked me if she could play against me. I told him that I would not let a pretty girl win a game of pool for the sake of getting some. I would help her with shot selection, even do that "Here, let me lean over you, hold you tight and help you aim this shot" dating thing......but I will fucking beat you in the end if it is at all possible. Something clicks in.

Okay, I am going to make a confession to the world here about the depths of my depravity.

I used to work for the NYC Board of Ed as Para-Educator. Think of it as a Para-medic who instead of saving lives, pumps some knowledge into 7-8 year old kids. It was fun for a time. Well, this one year we took the kids bowling. I was overseeing one group of kids and playing a game with them. So here I am trying to gutterball it every time and keeping it close. So I am in the last frame I am down, intentionally and this little girl starts jumping up and down screaming "I am going to beat Mr. Dowd! Yay!!!!" This kid is fucking excited. And I snapped. I was fully prepared to lose.Throw the game so she could have one of the great memories of her young life. What happened though. I heard that and BOOM!!!!!!! Strike! Take that kid. What? WHAT?!?!?! I am fucked up. hahaha. (Today, I have grown enough that I would let her win)

So tonight I am shooting pool and making time with this roller derby girl. Jaz was real cool about it, let me play the game with her and got out of the way. We're shooting, talking, having a good time and the motherfucker gets the digits while I am away. Fucker. Actually, it's not that I was so much interested in a tattooed babe who plays roller derby for a living, but I hate to lose. So Jaz got the digits. I beat her ass on the table. That's what I really cared about.Not looking for a relationship of any kind at this time in my life.

There is a crazy thing that happens to my eyes during competition also. Not crazy like Marty Feldman crazy, not "Yo that guy is loco" kind of crazy, just an intense stare. It's like when I was in Tae Kwon Do and was learning how to ball up all of my fighting energy into one point in my fist or kick. Intensity. I guess I am just a pretty intense guy. In all things. I like it that way.

Anyhow, it's almost two a.m. I am going to bed. I don't know if there was a point there.


My Favorite Toasts of the day-
"Here's to friends that aren't around" (This was the toast that Vella and I used the year that Ruby was living in Indonesia)
"Sun on your face, wind at your back"

"Here's to yoga instructors and Islandic babes"

And my favorite toast

"May the most that you want be the least that you get" (Jeff Hammonds taught me this one and I use it all the time. I love it. I miss Jeffy. Need to give him a ring)

Love, life, sex and what I want

So I am in a bit of a reflective mood today. Woke up in a bit of a funk. It pretty much carried through my day. I guess that with all that I have been through over this last little bit I can't help but look at things in a different light. There's been a change in me. I'm trying to embrace the new me, but at times it's difficult. I'm not only talking about moving to North Carolina. Which, by itself should be enough. I'm talking about the changes that have happened on a seemingly cellular level over the last year-plus of my life. Some days I handle it really well and I think what a great gift it has been to have these new experiences and this change. There are sometimes though that I wish the old me was still around. That way I could be angry and resentful. Point my anger towards people and wield my venom like a scythe. Cutting down all of the people I want to hate. I want to be empty and devoid of feelings some days.

Instead of that though, I find that I have become a pretty calm guy. Yes, I have my bad days where I am so down that I can hardly stand it.The bad days have been fewer and fewer recently as I have been concentrating on myself and what makes me happy. Some of the time though, I feel like the Indian in that old public service announcement about polution. Looking around, loving the world and shedding a single tear over what has happened to what he loved so much.

I've gotten into the habit of thinking about the people I love and imagining them smiling. Even when (especially when I should say) I am not. It actually brings a smile to my face. Strange. Venom was a whole lot easier. A simpler way of life. I guess I am capable of more love than I ever thought imaginable.

That's really what I want out of life I think. Love and happiness. I am working on the second part right now. Things have been going damn good. I'll be damned if I don't really want and miss the first though. All the fuck buddies in the world are great. Sex can be a lot of fun. Take your clothes off, do the horizontal bop (or the vertical bop, or the diagonal bop....just as long as it's not the Unskinny bop, because that is just cheesy and it is maybe the worst song of all time.) for a little while. Lay there. Go home.Feel like the world is perfect for a moment. Great right?!? I don't really know anymore. It's kind of empty. It's like a hit of cocaine. An immediate high and then.........DONE!It doesn't sustain. Not quite as fufilling as making love. A good distraction from loneliness though I am sure.

I guess what I mean is that I don't think that's where I want to be. I love being in love. I'm a terribly romantic guy and an absolute love junkie.I want that moment where you look in someone's eyes and feel like you're sharing the punchline to a joke that the rest of the world hasn't even heard. That moment where you look into someone's soul and are glad for what you see there. I want to be out and about and see a gift that I just know I need to buy for that special someone who owns my heart.Like Moonlight Graham(from Field of Dreams, who strangely enough I just found out was born in N.C.). I want them to find a stack of blue hats in my office when I pass on. I want to bring home flowers. Write songs. I want my heart to get pumping when I know that I am going to see that person soon. That they are on their way home. I want to check my breath. Spray on something to make me smell good. Make sure that my clothes look good. I want to be able to look at someone and not have to say it, but know how real it is when the words are spoken. I want to get together and give them a long movie-star kind of kiss from the bottom of my heart.....no tongue, just lips pressed together for an eternity in a few seconds. That's what I want folks.

I want this, And this, and any other number of love songs that I could post here.

I want to have a romance that lasts everyday and for the rest of my life with a person who compliments me. Not "Tom you look great today" . As we all know, I already look great (kidding), but like a knife compliments a fork. "Hey I'm gonna cut this thing here, why don't you pick it up and shove it in the pie hole". That's what I want.

I want to have a great sex life. For me, that doesn't come from the physical act alone. I used to have major issues with sex. I was rarely present in the act. Always had this strange way of divorcing my soul from the moment. Kind of out of body. Yeah, I was doing it, and it felt great to get off, but my soul was rarely there. Sex was something that I did. Not that it was that way every single time.Being present was just more the exception than the rule. I never really understood what all the fuss was about. I knew I liked it, but I always felt like other people were enjoying it a whole lot more than I and didn't understand why. Well, now I finally understand what it is about for me. It's about connection. That's what I long for. Making love is so much different than sex. ANOTHER PLANET. It's all the sweat and the good sensations on the surface, coupled with smiling at each other, looking straight into your partners eyes and not saying a word. It's knowing that you love and respect the person that you are with. You don't need the loud music, you don't need coarse words, you don't need a few drinks to get yourself in the mood. That's what I want.

I've been very fortunate in my life to have fallen in love a few times. I have experienced love at first sight. I have felt the excitement when your phone rings and you hope for a moment that it is the one you love on the other end. I have seen a woman appear like an angel as she walked towards me, the sun at her back and never looking more beautiful. I've seen a woman looking inquisitively around, wondering where I am. I have laughed, loved, smiled and been very fortunate.

I've been hurt very badly. So badly that I've thought I wanted to curl up and die. I've been cheated on, mistreated. I've been abandoned on the days when I needed someone most. I've not been supported by my loved one. I have asked questions and been returned silence. I've been lied to, used and left hopeless. I am still standing though.

I have hurt people. Broken trusts and promises. For that I am very sorry, I wish that in every instance I hadn't. I am so imperfect. I get scared in love. I never want to lose it. I want to be everything for the person I am with. I want to be Superman and save the world. I want for everyone to look at me in the best light at all times. I screw up on a regular basis. I will for the rest of my life. I have come to grips with the fact that I will never have it all figured out. Mainly because there will always be a new question right around the corner.

I do know that in spite of my many flaws, and there are A TON, I think am a pretty good catch. I'm an honest man. I treat others well. I'm not going to have a modeling career, so my finally perfecting "Blue Steel" will go to waste, but I am pretty good looking guy.I will never be a doctor or a lawyer, but I work hard. I like to see the ones I love laugh...it's what I live for most of the time, it makes me happy.I'm good in bed. She comes first had been my motto for a long time. I am compassionate. I can support someone when they cry and be strong, or cry with them if it's called for. I am sensitive. I wish I weren't so much so sometimes, but I am. I have cried over heartbreak and out of the joy of being in love. I am confident enough to know that both are okay.I am an empathetic, feeling human being. I will be a damn good father someday. I have had enough life experience to scare the shit out of some young punk, or impart a few tidbits of wisdom, AND with the regular beatings I plan on administering, my kids will be well behaved. (kidding again) I want my kids to grow up and ask innocent questions like this one. I want them to see their parents have a life long love affair. That dad, when he comes home gives mom that movie scene kiss before he plays with the kids. That their folks calmly resolve their issues. I want them being hard pressed to remember their parents ever raising their voices to one another. I also want my kids to have the fear of god in them if they ever disrespect their mom for fear of what dad is going to do to them. (not kidding that time) That is what I want.

The other morning someone told me so many good things about myself I could hardly believe it. Really folks. This is tough for me.I'm very bad with recieving compliments and rarely see in me what others seem to. I may seem arrogant on here, and in life, some times, or even most of the time. It's usually a bit of a cover up. I'm like a puffer fish. Blowing up to seem bigger than I am. I usually feel pretty good about myself. The arrogant facade I put up sometimes is a mask which I created during a torturous childhood and still don from time to time to make myself feel a bit more safe and secure.

For now though, I am going to go with my current theme song (I've had so many thoughout my life). Right now I ain't got nobody and I am laughing about it. I'm singing and dancing everyday, on my coffee table in my underwear, sitting on my deck and writing yet another song of love gone awry, or ones about friends who have supported me even when they didn't know they were doing it. I'll date and laugh and go out. I'll pay for every dance, sell each romance. It's not what I want at the core of me, but it's the hand that I have been dealt for the moment. I can play the hand..........but maybe I should just try another table. I'll have to pray on that one.

There will come a day when things settle down for me and my playtime will be over, I look forward to it..........but youth hasn't passed away..........yet.

Balance, love, respect, equality and happiness.

That's what I want.

If you made it this far....I commend you. Thanks for humoring me. I'm sure that you are one of the people I love and care about. For an entry that is much more fun, check out the Sandal-ass Challenge and sign up.

The Sandal-ass challenge Bee-Yotch!

So a few people have been talking to me about my ghetto sandals. A few people wanted to take a shot at making their own. I am now laying down the gauntlet. I challenge all of you in blog-land to make your own pair of ghetto sandals. So get out your scissors and exacto blades. You've finally found out what to do with those old shoes.

Here's the rules.Not many. I'm not very good with rules.

1. Take photos of the shoes before and after.
2. Take a picture of the shoes on your feet.
3.A picture of your fine self wearing your bootilicious sandals out somewhere on the town.

That's it! I will post all of the pics here on my blog. So please let me know ASAP if you plan on participating.

If youz gotz any questions about how to do this, check out this previous post for my personal sandals. Go for it beyotches!


P.S. I have added two new links on the sidebar. Check out Ruby and The Juice