Back to the undiscovered country

What a whirlwind weekend. It really was great. Drove up to NYC, had a great thanksgiving with the Fam, hit the road on Friday for Rhode Island, got together with a bunch of old friends, went so Smallbany New York, drove back to NYC.

I am looking forward to geting back home. This has been a really strange trip indeed. Part of me feels as if I was reclaiming my life, if that makes any sense. With all the emotional upheaval over the last two years, I finally feel like I am coming out of it, and that is a blessed thing indeed.

Two conversations with old friends really spurred me on this past week. If you had spoken to me in November of 2003, I would have told you that you were insane if you had told me where my life would be in November 2005. At least I think I would have said so. Some things I certainly could have predicted, and maybe would have said "Okay, I can see that happening." but for the most part? What a long strange trip it's been!

Not only for me, but for many of those close to me. Very strange. The future seems so bright right now and it is very exciting. For the first time I see the path in front of me truly starting to make sense. I've had things clouding my way over the last couple years. Me, living for others, not being true to who I am, good or bad.

I was really kind of nervous about this trip. Not knowing how I would feel about being here in NYC. When I got here though, I realized that this place will always be mine. Heartbreaks, both recent and old, friends here and gone will always be a part of me, but the future is mine alone.

Shocking moments came with friends speaking very plainly to me about the last couple years. Saying how much they disliked the way I was behaving from just about the turn of the year 2004. Not so much in the decisions that I have made, and a lot of them were poor as hell, but in the way I was acting towards all of them. Good when you have friends that will call you on it so plainly....even if it is way later than may have helped you be aware.

Talking about relationships, as all of you who read this blog often know at this point, was part of it. Come on this has been a bit of "The ex-girlfriend broke my heart and left me feeling utterly defeated and despondant as well as the fact that I still don't know how to relate to the person who truly loved me and I was married to for a decade blog". Funny how when you look back you can see so clearly the mistakes, see how the terrors of our childhoods form the people we become. How those moments spur us on, most of the time unknowingly, to hurt others, to put ourselves in bad situations and to cause ourselves pain. Not that all of that is bad, certainly anyone who takes some joy in living learned to be joyful as well. Why is it that the terrors seem to have a much more formative influence on our behaviors?

I am going to sign of from NYC now. Home is mine again. Home is also in North Carolina now. Hitting the road tomorrow morning. Off to discover more about this new path. To really shed the cocoon which I have been forming in. To explore the unknown.

With that said, I am going to take a respite from this blog. A little time off to do some personal renovations. Work a little, sing and dance a little, date a little and dare to be by myself. Chances are that I will be back. I've taken a break before, might be a week, might be a month, might be more, might be a day.Not putting a time frame on any of this, just need to conentrate elsewhere right now.If you want to know how I am, call, write or IM me. I'll shoot you all off an email when and if I return. Be good Y'all.

I leave you with some Willie Shakespeare.

The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have,
Than fly to others we know not of.

The cleansing fire

Hey all. I am chilling at the Ridgewood, Queens Dowd homestead. So with nothing else to do, I figured I would write a post.

First off, the 7 hour trip to NYC from NC took me 10 goddamned hours. I was doing great until I hit Maryland. Fucking state took me forever to get through. Traffic, etc. Let's be honest, Maryland is the candy coating around our nation's capital. I believe that without D.C. right there, my trip would have been a breeze. Ridiculous. I really thought that much like a Labyrinth, Maryland just did not want to let me leave. It was intent on keeping me there for the rest of time.

[Any dispariging of MD which upset any of my Edgar Allen Poe state readers should please be excused. It took me a long time to get through your state and I am a bit peturbed]

I got to NYC unscathed. It's FUCKING COLD!!!!! COLD!!!! Got to be in the 40's! I have been living in a place where last week I walked outside barefoot! This sucks! I decided I will not be leaving the house for the balance of my stay here. Unless of course I can get one of those zero temperature suits that they wore in that movie about global warming last year. What was that called? The last day on earth or something?

I got to see some really great old friends last night. It was nice. We brought each other up to speed on our lives. Had discussions about our various heartaches and triumphs. Brother Dave was around and we all had a great time. We all played a video game which was essentially a word search with explosions when you got something right, when you reached the end of the level, flames wiped out the remaining letters and it started anew. The cleansing fire as Dave refered to it.

So I wanted to leave you with this crude thought, heard from an old female friend. "New pussy can really help you get over old pussy". It's amazing how very true that statement is. I don't know if it works quite as wwell in reverse (for women) though I do expect that it helps somewhat. I think for guys, getting laid has a way of making it all better. Kind of like any drug though. You can forget your troubles for a little while. Damn if there isn't a little bounce in your step, a smile on your face and a damn good feeling that goes along with that post coital afterglow (or is all of that the post coital afterglow?)

Now I feel a bit strange posting anything about eating turkey.

A few things I am thankful for

Hey all. I am off to NYC in a few minutes. Driving my ass up the east coast. Thought I would leave you all with a cheesy list of things I am thankful for this holiday season. Hope that you all have a fantastic holiday with your loved ones, or at least a Lean Cusine TV dinner.

1. That I live in Raleigh NC
2. Smiling folks who want to try their hand at some artwork
3. The friends who have stood by me through one of the most difficult patches of my life (lets call it everything that has gon on since April of '04
4. Finally being free of the ties that bind
5. Doug's blog
6. My Canuck commentors
7. That Nicole is such a good friend of mine after all of the hurt
8. Good coffee and living two blocks from one of the oldest Krispy Kreme's in America
9. My friend Erica for being such an amazing support (not to mention distractive influence)over the last month or so.
10. Movies by myself
11. My mom and Dad
12. That I have found out that I am, by far, the worst fantasy football player in the world.
13. That I have had some well above average casual sex for the first time in my life this year
14. Jason Craighead's story about torturing his middle brother. Funniest shit ever.
15. Alan becoming my friend and getting me out of my hotel room
16. Anyone who took the time to listen to me whine about doomed relationships
17. My own apartment
18. The fact that all of you still read these ridiculous ramblings

So with that said, have a great thanksgiving day! Enjoy your football and Turkey!

Tom's day in a nutshell

Today was weird. As I stated in yesterday's post, the plan was to watch football. Plan accomplished! Basically, my day went as follows:

1. Woke up after 10. Strange for me bc I rarely sleep past 8.
2. Threw on some pants and my Jets sweatshirt
3. Made some tea
4. Blogged briefly
5. Went to the couch, drank some more tea and turned on the football games
6. Took a ten minute nap
7. Made some pizza and ate it.
8. Watched some more football
9. Took off the Jets sweatshirt, grabbed a blanket and fell asleep watching football
10. Woke up in time to watch the Colts/Bengals game (Yay small market television!) It occured to me that ten years ago this game would not have been shown nationally.
    
11. Napped again at about half time
12. Woke up to see the Colts pull away while eating more pizza
13. Decided I should shower, or at least put on some underwear
14. Showered...and then put on underwear with happy faces on them
    
15. Watched extreme home makeover. They had a little kid in a wheelchair they made the house accessible. Good times!Fucked up thing was, the parents were raising the kid to be a Red Sox fan! Good god! I was very disappointed in what these parents were teaching their kids. Ridiculous! Wasn't it bad enough that he was a cripple?!? For god's sake the kid was excited meeting Curt Schilling instead of yelling something disdainful at him and wearing something in pinstripes!
    
16. Sat around some more.
    
17. Called my friend Erica to see if she wanted to join me in seeing Harry Potter. I needed to be outside for at least half a second.
    
18. HARRY POTTER SUCKED! IT SUCKED! RENTER! RENTER!
19. Came home late and here we are.

Stay away from that movie if you can. The first bunch were good. This one missed the mark I felt. I actually felt foolish for busting out my Slytherin Quidditch uniform for the movie. It was long and boring. Much like some of my recent posts. haha.

I also made it possible for non-registered users to comment once again. Sorry Doug, I know it was too little too late.I was just trying to keep out unwanted visitors.

I may post again later today. I will be in NYC for thanksgiving. Some of you can be expecting to see me or for me to call you. I'll probably be in town till next week.

Talk to y'all soon

Bring me a beer bitch

I am settling in for a quite day of football on the tele. One really cool thing about living in North Carolina is that I get to choose between 4 games every week. in New York the television rules were such that they were not allowed to show any other game up against the Jets or the Giants. Sucked. I missed all the good national games. No longer!

Here is link to my friend Unkle Bill's site. He is a friend of mine and created the blog just to comment on mine. It's worth looking at just for the title alone.I don't know if he'll ever do anything with it, but I cracked up when he told me about it.

In other news, no more anonymous commenters. Sorry folks, want to comment here, you'll have to do what U.B. did.

Off to be lazy and watch football. Happy sunday.

Holla if you hear me!!!

So I decided, upon further investigation, to let my two blog meltdowns stand as is. I have edited them, taking out the parts which I felt were filled with the most venom, the most pointedly hurtful. All in all though, I felt I had really posted something honest and true. As much as it hurt some peoples feelings, I have spent way to long pushing back my own. No more.

After reading it again, I think what I had posted had been a very good (even if filled with venom and anger) assesment of my relationships, and more importantly, of who I am. I took the posts down because I thought that I was being mean, which I was. A point that more than one person expressed to me.Upon further review, I decided that, while hurtful and sad, it was pretty damn close to the mark. Sometimes cutting to the quick hurts.

I am, as I have expressed many many times on this forum, a very imperfect man. I fuck up with a regularity which I feel is ridiculous. So much so that I think that I may be getting close to earning my masters degree in doing so. I am going to go Phi Theta Kappa and graduate Suma Cum Laude. My MFU.

With all of that said, I thought that lashing out like that was pretty pathetic. I really wanted to hurt some one. I don't tend to do that. I wrote some horrific things. Some of the analogies I used for people were terribly below the belt, even if those people don't deserve kid gloves in my opinion. Anger. It can get ya.

I've always tended to gloss over things. The tough stuff. "Yeah, I'm okay" We're a happy family, we're a happy family....me and mom and daddy! I have no time for that anymore.

I have decided to let it ride. So I re-posted them in a somewhat edited form.I took out the really maliciuous hurtful and downright mean stuff and left the main body of both posts the way they should have been at first.

One commenter on these posts said that true colors come out when going through a hard breakup. I think this was meant to try to get under my skin, make me feel bad. It didn't work, but it did give me some food for thought. True colors do come out, but from both sides. I think that breaking up with someone allows you to see their true colors, as well as highlight your own. I think that I began seeing my relationship with my ex in a whole new light. The gloss was gone and I realized the fucked up shit that I had gone through since May of 04. Now don't get this wrong. There were some pleasant moments. Some nice times and some really happy ones. Mainly, and I think that my ex would agree, they were just rest stops on the heartbreak superhighway.

So , you were right. Breakups do allow true colors to come shining through and they are not always beautiful like a rainbow. I've gone through a few breakups. Some are mutual and go well. Some are one sided and hurt like hell. Some have left me bitter, some left me sad. In the end though life has gone on. If my opinion is not appreciated, then you are welcome to not read some of these posts.

So if I am a jilted ex-lover, then so be it.Life goes on and I'll get past it. I know what I have to give the right people. My ex's know me. Good and bad. So do my friends. I am flighty, emotive, exhausting at times, caring, loyal, giving, generous, egotistical,a very bad loser and downright perfectly imperfect. I can charm my way out of a snakepit and I can be the snake. Fuck it. So what?

My blog stays. My words stay and so does my pride.

Caught you lookin

I love my sitemeter. I look at this thing all the time. The interesting thing that is that you can find out who read your blog (sort of) , when they were on the blog, and how they got there.

Some of you may have noticed that I mentioned that Julie's daughter Jaime brought some visitors to my site. Somehow, if you typed in "Jaime Hammer pics" (she being the hottie at the top of this post) into google, it brought up my post about playing barbie with two little girls. I should actually say "attempting to play Barbie" because I was no good at it. It was fun though and a funny moment in my life.It really tickled my funny bone. These were people looking for a playboy model (with a somewhat "horsey" face if you ask me...hey, she's posing for Playboy, I can look for perfection.)

This can all be seen by clicking on "referrals" if you look at my site meter. Some find me through links on other blogs. Most popular as far as I can tell are Laura, The Real Me(bringing in the North of the border crowd!) ,MHN for short, Word Whiz, My Favortie Porkchop, and some others. Best of all are the visitors that find me through search engines. Recentley people have found me by looking for pictures of Christy Brinkley's haircuts,trying to find out "how to make her fucking squirt first", looking for pussypussypussy, wanting to know if Tom Petty is married and other ways. I found this really interesting.

So I am going to now type a few random phrases to try to lure in some more readers.

Cantalopes are good for you
Deer population
Affordable shoes
Nasty hot sex
Little Women cliffs notes
Trial of the century
Abusive Relationships
Tardiness
North Carolina attractions
Amusment Parks
Hot chicks in bikinis
Artichoke dip recipe
To die for
Zum Stammtisch
Mandibles
Harry Potter 7
Nosebleeds
Van Halen Best of
Complete guide to oral sex
When in Jamaica have a nice day
Jim Bob McGillicutty

Well that's all I've got for now folks. If you have any other suggestions, please comment. I would love to add to this list and catch'em looking.

As you can see I removed the two last mean spirited posts. Thought about it, and that is not what I am about.

World pushin' 2...Electric boogaloo

So the last post felt really great. I really got a lot out there which I had not been sharing. I wonder how much I should share though. I sometimes walk a fine line between life, and making mine an open book.

That last post was a real blogasm. I just let her rip. That is good and it feels great but I hurt some feelings.

After re-reading it I wanted to issue the following retraction. NICOLE - I didn't mean "fuck you" to you.

You see, I mad the mistake of lumping Nicole in with my other recent ex in the same paragraph. While that paragraph was honest, and pretty damn insightful, what followed it was not meant for Nic, or anyone specifically. I meant fuck you, in the universal way, fuck you to the masks I wore. I was just going and didn't stop to think about the next line. In fact, I think I meant that more to the world, and my own masks, than to people specifically.

Anyone that knows me, has spoken to me recently, or has read this blog knows that I think really highly of my former wife. She is one of the world's truly excellent people.

I then lumped her in with someone who I really have a strong dislike for, who shafted me, and whom I harbor quite a bit of resentment for. WRONG! Just like in business, location, location, location. Bad location? NOT A GOOD INVESTMENT! Can't put the former wife next to the ex girlfriend in a paragraph and expect good things to come from it. Oops! Do'ah! DUH!

So a friend and I had a long talk about Karma the other day. I figure that a lot of the stuff I am currently going through is related closely to some of the shit I did in the past. What comes around goes around. I must admit I have taken a bit of glee at times in my life when I have thought about what other people who have wronged me have coming their way. I usually forget what I've got coming down the pike though.

People have actually said to me that they could not believe how good I have been about everything recently. I guess I should be more venomous at times. I think I really held back saying some shit because part of me was thinking about reunions. Honestly. Am I the worlds biggest knothead? Why do I want those kind of people in my life?

That is the question of the moment for your favorite New York transplant.

WHY?

I look back on the way my life has been in since May of 2004, when my newly ex-girlfriend and I first hooked up. I surely did some fucked up things in that time, with that relationship specifically. Hell, I fucked up once in such a big way that it still makes me shake my head.We're talking serious "Dude, are you chemically imbalanced?!?" sort of fucked up. God damnit though! I seriously think that the times that were best were when I was all by myself with no chance at a relationship.

When I look back on the painting of my life detailing this time, I think I see a set of highly imbalanced scales. I added some weight to my side there. For sure. But I will be damned if I didn't take it more than I gave it.

I am a bit embarrassed that I put up with half of the shit that I did. I mean seriously folks. Those of you who know the tale have shaken your heads at me countless times already. I don't know that anyone knows the whole tale though. I had some seriously fucked up shit done to me. Really fucking abusive, thoughtless, hurtful crap.I kept smiling though. Good things are right around the corner!

So now I stand looking back on this relationship and I feel like I was just a stand in. A good standby option for someone who didn't really give two shits about my feelings.

So I had my comeuppance, my karma coming back to bite me. I did get some nice parting gifts though. I think that makes me a man whore. Or would that be she-bitch?

In a world that keeps on pushin' me around......

So I realized that this blog has become empty lately. I thought that I used to be able, very easily, to keep things fresh, interesting and fun. For gods fucking sake (Wow, where did that lightening bolt that I just dodged right now come from?) I BLOGGED ABOUT THE WEATHER!

The fucking weather. That is like the ending of a bad date. When you realize the person you want to fuck is completely uninteresting if the thought of sex is not on your mind.

"So........"
"Yeah.....um......"
"It is so beautiful tonight"
"Yeah...it really is. I hear it will be 70 tomorrow"
"Really?!?"
"Yup....70"
"Yeah......"
"so......"
"um......wanna go fuck?"
"I guess so"

I mean there are so many things I could be writing about. The songwriting and music playing. The Artwork. My Job. The fact that my former wife must be a Saint to STILL put up with me after all these years. The way that I feel that all of my friends have forgotten me. The way I felt utterly betrayed by my former girlfriend when she broke things off...again. The utter exhaustion I am feeling after my 10th straight day at work.Recent dates I have been on. The way that my sitemeter counter tells me how people have found this little portion of the World Wide Web, and how Julie's daughter Jaime has brought me many visitors with a much different purpose.

Point is, I have been holding back. Not letting it fly. Sorta like Joe "Willie" Namath guaranteeing a decent game in Super Bowl III, Ali saying that he might be one of the greatest ever or the pimply faced kid at McDonald's not even considering that, yes, you may indeed like fries with that. Ask you little pimply faced bitch! ASK!

I was really inspired by MHN's blog today. The problem I am having with this blog recently are the problems that I have been facing my whole life. Wanting to please. Not wanting to hurt feelings. Wanting to be perfect, though I am perfectly not so by any stretch of the imagination.

In my effort not to hurt feelings, not to let too much out there. I forgot myself yet again. Fuck that.

I spent years not caring about number one. I spent 10 years with Nic, trying to be someone I wasn't, though she never asked for anyone but me. Maybe I was scared. Scared to let myself be myself. Scared to excel. Scared of something more. I spent a year plus with Heather. We got together almost every day during the summer and fall of 04, most of winter also.I let her mistreat me and hurt me, only to finally abandon me, for the upteenth time. Shit sure wasn't perfect there, but it was damn good. I feel like such a fool some days for believing in something that was just a reflection of reality. Or maybe it was for real. Who fucking knows? It sucks. I do know how fucking wonderful I am though. I know I have a huge ego(as many will remind me, or tell you if you ask them) but damn, I am a pretty goddamned nice guy.

Problem is I always hide who I am. Nic met a non smoking kid on a meditative high. I wasn't the self abusive, off kilter, addictive fucker that I usually am when we met Imagine her surprise when she met the real me! ! Heather met a fantasy. She didn't even call me by my real name. I've been the rockstar, the prep, the businessman, the puppet, the pauper, the pirate, the poet, the pawn and the king.All masks.Fantastic realizations of me. The smiling face, the sunshiny day.

Fuck that. Fuck them (the masks) and fuck the horse they all rode in on...RIGHT WHERE THEY BREATHE!

So, yes K. I want a vacation. I want to get away. I want to chill on the beach by day. I want to drink to excess till 3 a.m. and I want to make love to a beautiful woman to the sound of the ocean crashing outside my resort widow. I want to look in her eyes and feel intensity...and love. I want to get away from all of this shit. I want to go to Paris and do it right. I want to go to Italy and see the Coliseum and the Vatican (There is a new Pope these days I hear). I want to go to Asheville, North Cara-fucking-line-ee.

I want to dance I want to sing and I want love. True, final lasting love from someone who I respect. That is not a requisite though(the love, the respect is a must). I don't need anyone else. I just need to find the real me, rip off the mask and shout out to the universe that I am going to fucking conquer it. With love, compassion and by smacking it upside it's no good (or too good) sense of humor having head with my dick. Pimp slapping the motherfucker because I wanted a good night and all I got was one Mr. Benjamin...and he's looking pretty lonely. "Is Well in Dowd gonna have to smack a bitch?!?"

I am fucking fed up. I am at my wits end and finishing another Yuengling (Okay everyone, lets say it "YING-LING". Why Yuengling? Because it is cheap, it tastes good and it reminds me of Pittsburgh, PA and simpler times.) Maybe, just maybe, if I have another one, my emotions will shut off for a moment. Some day, there'll be a cure for pain. That's the day I'll throw my drugs away.

So no more bullshit. Fuck you (not you dear reader). This is me. Suck my balls if you don't like it (wow, did I just tell myself to suck my own balls? I gotta start yoga again if that's gonna happen.)

I leave you with my fight songs. Download them, spin them, hear them if you are down. Then go punch someone in the face. But wear a mask, and run! Actually, just listen to the songs and go beat up your fake self. We've all got one. A mask that hides us from the world.

I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
Jump - Van Halen
Dreams - Van Halen (Everything is balance. One Dave, one Sammy)
That's Life - Frank Sinatra
Don't Stop Me Now - Queen

And lots of fucking others.

Whew. That felt damn good.

Flowers in November

I took these pics on my walk home this morning. The longer I am down here in Raleigh, the more I appreciate the climate. I am really looking foward to Jan/Feb. No more NYC winters! It has been pushing 80 a few days this week and has been sunny and bright.



For those of you who don't know me, I am big on flowers. I love giving them to people, I love growing them and taking care of them.I had a garden back in Queens that I cultivated over a number of years. Stargazer lilies are by far my favorite flower. They shine brightly and then burn out fast.

I've been amazed with the fact that flowers are still in bloom down here since a friend pointed that out to me one morning.

So, flowers in November folks. The trees are just starting to change, leaves are falling and things are looking good.

BTW, looking at being back in NYC sometime this month. Plane fare is expensive so it may not happen,if I will be in town I will post here and shoot off a note.

ALSO-I need a fucking vacation!

THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!! WE DON"T NEED NO WATER...................

Here's a bunch of pics I have been meaning to post since Halloween. The first bunch are Keri's pics from Susan and Truett's Halloween party. The second set is from the Halloween burning of artwork at Slim's.Many of the Slim's pics come courtesy an LG camera phone.My piece of crap Olympus decided not to work that night.There are, sadly, no pics of Jim, Doug, Greg and me doing our thing live on stage. It was fun. We set up a home-like atmosphere with the stage.Playing in the round for the most part.

*NOTE ON THE PICS* It seems that in my rush to post all of these pics I resized some of them incorrectly, giving the impression that I spent Halloween in some Lilliputian (sp?)nightmare. I did not. It was in full size and large as life. If I am feeling up to it I may resize these photos later for general consumption. For now, please enjoy my very tiny Halloween.



The Petersons as Apollo and Aphrodite. I kept calling Doug "Hermes" all night. I think he was only a little annoyed until I had a few too many and decided that "Rip some hair out of Doug's leg" was a fun game. Please note the gold painted sandals.



Doug reminding us that he is the strong Apollo, not the quick Hermes.



Princess Susan strikes a pose in her kitchen. Many of the pics in this bunch are sponsored by what I like to call "Susan's way-too-strong-and-absolutely-delicious-Halloween-fuck-you-up-punch". I had one glass which Susan put in my hand and quickly realized that I needed to switch back to my old friend beer. Things were going to get ugly if I continued with that stuff. Too much too soon. Story of my life.



The Craigheads. Jason and Meg were...I am not really sure, other than the usual life of the party duo that they usually are.Meg had told me the night before, when I asked her when the party started, that it would not really be until about 10:30 (when she and Jason would arrive). She was right.



Erica came as Uma in Pulp Fiction, complete with adrenaline needle in chest and heroin/coke induced nose bleed. She was my makeup artist for the evening, and is responsible for the great, freeing new coif I am currently sporting.




Yours truly sitting on the couch enjoying a beer. I was told, I think by Doug, that I have one of the best "crazy" faces. This is a bit of a change from my usual mouth open crazy shot.I'm a ham and I love the spotlight.



Mighty Aphrodite! Keri and I hanging out.



Doug contemplating calling the universe, or what to drink next.



Jason joins Doug for some posing and general fun. (Shades of Sunset Beach this night folks.)



Prince Truett makes it a trio posing for the camera.



So who is the bigger ham? Jason or me?



See what I mean? I am thinking that he may have me beat in the Ham department.

The night only got a bit crazier from this point. We ended up flipping over the rug in the dining room so we could have a dance floor. The party wound up at 6 a.m. (I left at three)


Slim's came two night's later. That Sunday we played and painted. Halloween night we burned all of the artwork. Not only the pieces that we had down at Slim's but a lot of the pieces from the "Poker night" gatherings that we have been having for the past few months.



Okay, so my gift for exaggeration lent me to refer to this as a bonfire.I look at the pics and I feel like we could have been hobo's trying to keep warm around this thing. Keep in mind though, the fire is being fed by months worth of creativity



The M.C. Alan Stewart himself. Ripping up some artwork and getting ready to feed the fire.Alan was the pro at this thing. He set it up the very first year. Jason is the co-founder.




Stewie stokes the fire...



...then realizes it is fucking hot.





How much did Alan enjoy himself? Little bit, little bit.



Meg was the fire chief for the night. Her job? Making sure that no fire escaped and flew elsewhere. Her secondary job was to make sure that WE didn't catch on fire. I found out this job description after feeling her squirt my foot. "Why did you squirt my foot" I cried in dismay. "I'm sorry. You were on fire.Your foot will dry", she said. "I was?!? Well, okay then. I am going to go get more stuff to burn"






More shots of our protector from ourselves in action.




Me standing on a picnic table holding a hexagonal canvas that I had just smashed. God was that fun. I slammed that shit against the wall until it splintered into a million pieces. Jed laughs in the foreground.




Me balling up the canvas for the fire.Alan is egging me on in this picture.He's got his next piece at the ready for the flames and is imploring me to do my best Shaq impression and slam the canvas into the fire. When I did finally jump into the air and dunk it, paper flew into the air and some flames shot out like napalm in a Rambo movie.




Amy (dressed as a super fine go-go dancer on the left) with Jonathan and Alan.We were all dressed as people burning artwork.Jonathan got some great pics with his camera phone. Hope I can get them sometime.



The final piece burning. This one got it's own funeral pyre.

This was simply one of the most freeing, liberating, exhilarating nights I have ever experienced. The first time a piece of art is brought out that you REALLY love, it is hard to see it burn.There were a few that went in that I would have hung in my apartment. By halfway through, a girl in the bar actually begged me not to throw a piece into the fire. She really wanted to own the piece. She asked if there was any way we could NOT burn that one. I was so caught up in the moment, I coolly looked at her and said, simply "No". She looked shocked as I walked off with the piece to the fire.I am sure the other guys experienced similar moments.

The whole night was about fresh starts, bequeathing the past to memory and fucking some shit up.A strange pagan ritual played out in the heart of downtown Raleigh, NC. Good friends letting go, together and shouting to the sky as if it were the last night on earth. Okay, that is my gift for overstatment and embellishment coming to the forefront with it's dukes up. Let's just all agree that life is fun and the future is bright.